Wi the ongaun dwaiblin, dwynin and dowffsome discombobulation o the aince thrang Labour Pairty (The commoner Ruid Tory: Blairius Scunneris) attour the face o Scotia, a flegsome, byordinair and hithertae unthocht o prospect has nou kythit: the Conservative and Unionist Pairty (The Blae Tory: Greedius Pauchleris Maximus) micht end up the secont pairty and therefore the offiecial opposition tae the SNP Government efter the May Scottish Perliement Election. Boffin gadgies wi white lab coats hae delvit weill intil it and came up wi this: gin the Ruid Tories’ share faas doun til aboot 20% and the Blae Tories heeze theirsels up til aroond 21% syne thir unnaitral and wanchany state o affairs afore noo will kittle itsel intae polietical reality – an unco thocht, I’m shuir ye’ll agree. In proponing this ootcome, appairently, they didnae fash theirsels by luikan at the daeins o the Yellae Tory: Bufonidae Carmichaelus since this breed is no likely tae hae mair whummle than a flee landing on a giant elk’s erse (though wi less moral wecht). Mair anent elks anon.

Cleirly, tae aa straucht thinkan fowk like oorsels there’s something nae richt wi aa this. Whaur I bide in Fife, the worst epithet tae fling fae your mooth is tae caa a cheil a Tory. In thir PC days aiblins they’ll bring oot a polietical hate crime law gin ye yuiss the word in a public airt sic as a dug track or the pitch and toss skail. In Lochgelly there’s a wheen o fowk dinnae even believe Tories exist. They jalouse they’re fabulous craturs oot o fiction like Gollum, The Grinch and Michael Gove.

But I ken fine that the baisties are oot thonder, shooting grouse on the hills, buying up fantoosh hooses in Stockbridge and Milgavie, sending their bairns tae Snobworts, brekkin the tax laws tae mak a midden o siller oot o their usurious travails. Tae be honest, the thocht o them raxin and lowpan aboot in ilka neuk and crannie scares the shite oot o me. They’re no a native indigenous species and gin we dinnae tak tent o them they’ll wrocht a gey sair onding. Oor fragile and bruckle eco system’ll ging the crawroad ower the heid o their selfou norraes. Gin we lat them haud swey we’re juist steekin up hertrug for oorsels in the future. Sae whit’s tae be duin? In a word: wolves.

Bide wi me whiles I explain this: research (by ither brainy gadgies fae Amerikay) has shawn that wolfish ongauns in Yellaestane Perk in California has brocht naething but guid and brawsome ootcomes. Yellaestane Perk is kind o like Dunfermline Glen anely a tad bigger. Wolves were huntit and aa wede awaa thonder in the thirties but the Heidyins waled tae fetch them hame in the nineteen sievinties.

Ye see, aince there were nae packs o wolves schauchlin aroond the place the muckle fat lazy elk could dae whit they liked. They had the run o the place. But gien the walin tae dae whit ye like is nae ayeweys a guid thing. The sonsy middens waled nae tae dae muckle ataa. They perked their erses in the ae place and sat aboot aa day wiring in tae young willow, aspen and cottonweed. This wrocht an awfou dounturn in Yellaestane’s eco system. Naebody’s brave eneuch tae airgie bairgie wi a herd o elk an tell them tae shift their beilan bahoukey’s. The puir beaver population was maist sairly afflictit. The wee craturs like tae redd up the young willow tae hae tae their supper. Afore lang the perk had turned intil a richt cowp.

But since the retour o the grey airmy (Canus vulpis) it’s cheynged days: lend a lug tae this:
Yogi Hughes, a biology professor at Montana University says “Elk have proven to be pretty adaptable, when wolves are around, they’re more vigilant and do less foraging.”

Dr. Walter Smith, an expert on animal behaviour observed, “As the beavers spread and built new dams and ponds, the cascade effect continued, beaver dams have multiple effects on stream hydrology. They even out the seasonal pulses of runoff; store water for recharging the water table; and provide cold, shaded water for fish, while the now robust willow stands provide habitat for songbirds.”

Aye, the elks hae tae be on their taes these days. The wolves are aye thrang, nippin at their cooties and moving them aroond the perk. Haudin the elk population doun keeps the beavers joco as they maun ging aboot biggin their dams by the dizzen. Bringing the wolves hames has wrocht a mair trig and canty landscape and even shiftit the airt some o the tirlan burns and rivers flaw tae.

Sae hou no gie it a bit shottie in Scotland? Alack! The hindermaist Scottish wolf got himsel shot by ane o Cumberland’s ruidcoats ootby Inverness in 1746. Truth tae tell hooiver, the number o Scottish wolves had been drappin bigstyle since 1707. By fetching the wolves hame nou tae places sic like St Andraes or the Deuk o Buccleuch’s estate whaur Tories are weill kent tae coagulate muckle guid wark micht be accomplisht. By thirlin the wolves wi radio collars aroond their thrapples their kills and joukan and jinkan micht be tracked and recordit. By this means the Blae Tory population micht be haudit doun ablaw 20%.

But whit gin the wolves, wha, though sleekit and canny gaun craturs are yet no expectit tae hae human sense and raison, micht , by mistake, tak a lowp at and a bite oot o a innocent gangrel juist gaun aboot his daily business? This is no that likely an ootcome gin the wolves are gien scowff tae pad aboot in the directit areas. Efter aa, five hunner Tories are aucht hauf the land in Scotland. The anes that roost on their muckle estates arenae that fond o allooin fremmit species tae breinge ower their acres o heather and birks. Even in places like Sooth Kelty whaur the odd Tory is forced tae cohabitate, cheek by jowel wi the great unwashed, they tend tae lippent tae theirsels by means o accent, claethes, education, condescension and impeccable manners. Though wolves hinnae been blessit wi oor harns they’re no sae glaickit either. They micht easily be lairned by circus trainers tae spot whase tae be gien a guid grallochin and whase tae be left on his leasome. In this wey, the urban and rural prospects o noble Scotia micht heeze tae a consiederable and commensurate betterment and brawment as the bruckle balance atween the baists o Scotland and the Tory is puitten back tae its ancient and naitrel foundiment.

Though it wad be faur better gin the wolves ate aa the blae scunners.

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