THERE should be no more Top Gear for at least 400,000 weeks.
THERE should be no Englishman winning Wimbledon for at least five hundred summers.
THERE should be no closing down sales at Allied Carpets for at least 24 hours.
THERE should be no poems about oakwoods by Andrew Motion for at least four hundred Autumn’s.
THERE should be no PR for at least ten times ten Labour Party consultative committees reporting to congress.
THERE should be no revivals of jeans with holes cut in them for at least sixty seasons.
THERE should be no second coming for at least two thousand and eighteen years.
THERE should be no second referendum on Brexit until all battles buses have completed 350 billion circumnavigations of the British Isles.
THERE should be no end to wars until we have an end to politicians who seek peace for at least their lifetime.
THERE should be no reporting of Scottish Labour’s position on differentiation until at least 55 of the 56 SNP MP’s have been removed from office.
THERE should be no suggestion Ruth Davidson is not a very impressive and, like Boris Johnson, a very amusing politician. with no connection to any nasty policies at all, until at least we read her manifesto.
THERE should be no second independence referendum until Ruth’s friends have scorched the earth and smote the saboteurs, taking back the British Empire to at least nineteen hundred and fifty five.
THERE should be no mention that the decision to hold an independence referendum has already been passed by parliament for at least every moment of the general election campaign, because there is always a reason why decisions taken in the Scottish parliament are pretendy ones.