I have decided – reluctantly but firmly – that this is hilarious. The Tory right, having sabotaged Britain for their bitter ideology are now destroying their own party. Oh sweet karma. Alpha Oaf Boris has zip-wired into such chaos that even a battery of ridiculous photo opportunities can’t save him, and we the Great British People are left with a cluster of candidates so loathsome and useless to stretch credulity. One of this staggering brood will lead this party into electoral demise.

We can only speculate about the real reasons behind Boris Johnson’s decision to withdraw from the Tory leadership contest, though the very closeness between Sarah Vine, the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch should give us a clue. In England in 2016 that’s what Taking Back Control really looks like.

As Flashman staggers about Europe looking like a broken man, the chaos of his monumental misjudgement unfolds. Here are the candidates …

CmM3yAEWkAAM3bS.jpg-largeTheresa May, the woman who brought you the Home Office Hate Van, and the Telegraph is calling a ‘steady hand on the tiller’ is like a Thatcher cadaver with prada heels.  She is we’re told the current front-runner. In such days of madness Theresa May is the moderate unifying candidate.

Just when you thought that the Farage Contagion had been isolated it breaks out in new human form. For those of you who think that the current levels of xenophobia appear out of nowhere, May’s track record on immigration and human rights is appalling.

Yesterday the Times Sam Coates reported that May has “thrown into the mix the right of EU migrants currently in UK to stay here”, saying that negotiation with EU will determine this. She was also responsible earlier this year for the deportation of thousands of foreign students. This was a fiasco which led to a parliamentary investigation after an immigration tribunal ruled that the Home Office used unscientific “hearsay” to deport thousands of students from Britain.

CmOWsc7WgAANelKMichael Gove

We can only agree with Michael Gove’s own assessment that:

“I don’t think I have got that exceptional level of ability required to do the job” (to the Telegraph 2016)
“I don’t have what it takes” (to the Financial Times in 2014)
“I am an inconceivable choice as party leader” (to the Sunday Times in 2013).

On Question Time in 2013, he said:

“The one thing I do know having seen David Cameron up close is it takes extraordinary reserves of patience of judgement of character to lead this country and he has it and I don’t and I think it’s important to recognise in life you’ve reached an appropriate point.”

Liam Fox

Liam Fox or “the disgraced former defence secretary, Dr Liam Fox” to give him his full title was forced to resign from the Cabinet in disgrace. You may have forgotten all this, his slow rehabilitation has been creeping along these past few years.

He was Defence Secretary and somehow allowed his close friend and best man, Adam Werrity, to take up an unofficial and undeclared role to attended meetings at the Ministry of Defence without any security clearance. Werrity had access to Fox’s diary, printed business cards announcing himself as his advisor, and even joined him at meetings with foreign dignitaries.

That such a recent disgraced cabinet minister, in such a senior position should slide back into public office tells you as much about British politics as it does about the candidate.

The candidates lost is awash with unreconstructed Thatcherite’s, but none more so than Fox:

“Fox is a hero to the many Conservatives who not only revere the memory of Margaret Thatcher, but also believe that unabashed Thatcherism is what is required now. They praise Fox for sounding ‘principled’ rather than ‘wishy-washy’. They laud him for being ‘a proper Eurosceptic’ who wants strict immigration controls. They love his loyalty to old friends, and deep commitment to the Anglo-American relationship. They admire him as a communicator, relish his joie de vivre.” Author Andrew Gimson, ConservativeHome.

Andrea Leadsom

I know nothing abut Andrew Leadsom. I read that she has talked in the past of how immigration could “overwhelm” Britain, and that her brother-in-law, a banker who lives in Guernsey, has donated more than £800,000 to the Conservative party since she was elected.

And Please God No it is not remotely relevant to anything in the universe that Crabb, Gove and Fox are (technically) Scottish, or that May or Leadsom is a woman.

One of those people will be your next Prime Minister, not elected by the public but by 331 Conservatives MPs, most of whom have spent their last year spewing out lies about an ‘unelected and distant body’ running their country.

The only potential positive to come out of this is that the Conservative Party are like a hermetically sealed body divorced from the realities of public feeling that they will elect a leadership even more toxic to Scottish public opinion that George Osborne and David Cameron.