Vote Britain

People of Scotland, vote with your heart.

Vote with your love for the Queen who nurtured you, cradle to grave,

Who protects you and cares, her most darling subjects, to whom you gave

the glens she adores to roam freely through, the stags her children so dearly enjoy killing.

First into battle, loyal and true.  The enemy’s scared of you.

That’s why we send you over the top with your och-aye-the-noo Mactivish there’s been a murrrderrr jings! crivvens! Deepfriedfuckinmarsbar wee wee dram of whisky hoots mon there’s a moose loose aboot this smackaddict

Vote, Jock.  Vote, Sweaty Sock.  Talk properly.

Vote with those notes we scrutinise  in our shops.

(might be legal tender but looks dodgy to me)

Vote for the Highland Clearances. Baaaaaaaaaa.

Vote for nuclear submarine in your water

Vote for the Olympic Games you didn’t vote for

(but you’ll pay for it, you’ll pay for it).

Vote Conservative. Vote Lib Dem. Vote Libservative. Vote Condabour.

Vote with the chip on your shoulder.

Vote Labour.  New Labour. Old Labour. Scottish Labour.

(Get back in line, Scottish Labour, HQ in Solihull will issue their commands shortly,

Just keep the vote coming in from up there thanks goodbye).

Subsidy Junkie

Vote for any argument you construct in your defence being ‘anti-English’.

Vote for Scots who make their career in Scotland being ‘unambitious’.

Vote for enjoying your own culture being soooooooo parochial.

Vote God Save the Queen and that bit about us crushing you all.

Hush.  There there.

Vote for Scotland being refered to as a ‘region’, like, say, Yorkshire? Or East Anglia?

Vote for our voices dominating your media, but in no way telling you what to think.

Take a drink.  Go on, son, take a drink.

Vote for oil revenue, which we ensure flows directly from us into you.

Vote for being told you’re the only country in the world that could not possibly survive and that without us you’d fall to pieces like children abandoned in the wild, caked in faeces.

Vote Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch and

illegalimmigrantskilledPrincessDiana and

London London London most exciting city in the world darling

(Glasgow is a very violent place, is it not. Do you have art?)

Vote wth your heart.  Vote Empire. Vote tradition.

Vote for our proud shared history of


Bringing Wealth and Prosperity to the World!

being on the right side just once and that’s only because it was against yer actual fucking Hitler

Vote for the #ScottishConspiracy at Westminster

(who really runs the show here eh – Blair, Brown – got your own in that time, we aren’t allowed to vote in Holyrood but there’s Archie McPhee pulling wee strings in our parliament when we wouldn’t even think about interfering in how you run your own affairs but while we’re at it, this referendum eh? A so-called referendum, is it?  Have it now, make sure it looks like this)

Vote for very, very, very rich people patronising you.

Vote for Glasgow having the highest knife-crime rate and lowest life expectancy in Europe

due to our generosity.  You may thank us at your leisure.

Vote for the absence of your history in our schools.

All Brits together.

Vote for our shock at your ingratitude!

Vote for us saying ‘Eh? Eh?’ when you open up your porridge mooth.

Vote for bafflement about why you want the England football team to lose.

We always want the Scots to win (except in referenda).

Vote for psychopathic villains with your accent in a soap opera.

Vote for tuition fees and student loans, ensuring that the brightest of your working-class

(since you still insist upon the term, although Our Leaders had it banned)

will one day rise and take their place in this great land.

Vote for us deploying strategic references to Braveheart to dismiss you all.

Vote for Robert Burns being called by Paxman ‘sentimental doggerel’.

Vote for The Iron Lady.  Such a strong leader, gave this country backbone

(you didn’t really want the unions, industries or council homes, just made the place look tatty)

Vote for a deregulated banking class, lionising of the hardworkingwealthgeneratingjobcreatingentrepreneurs

who you will in no way refer to as ‘greedy, selfish bastards’.  Give them your taxes.

Vote for foreign wars.

Yes, sadly, some of you will die.  But you will return to a hero’s welcome


the Union Jack, proud symbol of integrity and honour, draped across your coffin

while your mother, dabbing at her eyes, recalls the words she learned in school

in Kircudbright

‘There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.’

Vote with your heart.

Reproduced with kind permisison by Alan Bissett.

Comments (20)

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  1. Doug Daniel says:

    Great to see Alan’s piece on Bella – from the flurry of inspiration the referendum buzz has caused, I think this is my favourite of all the pieces I’ve read.

  2. This is just amazing. I don’t agree with all the sentiments but I recognise the poetic flair it took to condense them into these highly readable and emotive stanzas. Edwin Morgan would be proud of your use of #hashtags for literary quality

  3. Castle Rock says:

    Well that certainly hit me right between the eyes.

    If that doesn’t get you thinking then nothing will. Brilliant stuff.

  4. DaveW says:

    Now THAT’S a rap! Bloody good stuff!

  5. Alex Buchan says:

    Yep capures the mood of the point at which we’re at perfectly. We need more of this. This shows that we have something the other side don’t. We have the powerful spirit of tearing it all down and creating something new.

  6. Dorothy Bruce says:

    The Union dividend captured.

    Vote for ambition. Vote YES

  7. jintysmum says:

    Says it all really, I live just outside London and frequently am made to feel as though I am speaking an alien tongue! As for the total ignorance of our joint history it beggars belief, but I am just a stupid Scot whose education is sadly lacking or so many people believe until I disabuse them of that thought. Let us send them homewards tae think again!!!

  8. Colin Dunn says:

    Cracking. Bitter, but true. There’s a typo you may want to correct, though . . .


    There’s an ‘i’ missing – enslaving ther nation


    1. stephanie says:

      no, wrong! Surely it’s ‘enslaving other nations’

      1. Colin Dunn says:

        Don’t know, as I’ve never read the ‘original’. But there’s certainly an ‘i’ missing here.


  9. Thomas Ball says:

    Colin – I read as “Enslaving Other Nations”?

    1. Colin Dunn says:

      Doh! That’ll teach me 😉

      Quite right, and apologies to Stephanie too. Must be about time for me to get my eyes tested again.


  10. Robbie says:

    That’s class Alan: noo all ye need tae dae is get your Moira tae sort oot the Unionists!
    Keep puttin up resistance- there’s mair steel in a penknife than there is in a gully.
    One Love fae a Scottish-Jamaican


  11. James Coleman says:

    Don’t agree with stuff like this. I know it’s irony but there is no need to give publicity to anti-scottish stereotypes and writings used by the English. If I see similar writing on Unionist media sites I immediately jump in and insult the writer using English stereotypes.

    Just remember that even bad publicity is advertising and that people only see the gist of comments. They don’t delve into hidden meanings.

  12. What about the septic BBC?

  13. Scottish republic says:

    Alan does it here on Youtube brilliantly – methinks the lad could be a professional actor

  14. Scottish republic says:

    The Queen is dead.

  15. Couldni pit on he’s Ya Tube Ye site as he had to close… but…..we can but say to such a barrage of dredgings….


    People of Scotland, don’t vote with your head up your arse.

    The Kings and Queens of Scots abandoned you too, when it came to their own necks.

    The stags in the bare-legged glens were no more theirs than they were ever yours, scum bag and you let them have them!

    Aye you like a fight when it suits you and your ain blue eyed factory owners and politicians milked you for all you were worth in sodden pit and trench and the Scousers and Geordies and Taffs…wisni not all one behind the wall but all under the boot – what part of ‘right’ lets you draw a line?

    Vote for yer coory wee tartan shortbread tin that they so want to take from you, a comfort plaidy we never leave behind. Never mind ‘talk properly’ – stand up for yersel!

    Go for the fuck off hame vote, Mac. Gee it a crack. It’ll make a change fae takin yer baw hame cause the big boy pushed ye o’er… your becoming a bore! Whit? A big boy did a shite in yer trousers and ran awa…awww!

    Vote for free health, free uni, free buses, freeeeee-duuum. Dinny have tae pay for it, you! Cos it’s 3 for 2 in Asda the noo!

    Vote for it being Scotland’s oil that fucks the planet. Vote for a big border and sodjur tae man it. Go on, rid us of our woes – well, since we canny keep them on thur toes. Takes two tae tango but who wants tae tango eh!

    Vote because we a’ hate the Sassanach, us innocent victims of centuries past.
    S’no your fault tho ae! S’no us that’s hated…us? ‘bairns o Adam’, we’re in no way related!

    Vote for big bridges and cures for the midges. Tesco’s for booze tae put in yer fridges.
    Buy whit ye like! Chuck yur groats at the bill, we’ll aye hae plenty money cos we work fur the cooncil.

    Vote because we dinny….dinny lie, cheat, kill or steal. Never huv, never will. Wee Scotland didni mak a meal o Hitler’s rise…some arsehole Tory looked him in the eyes.

    Vote for pair old Glasgow – second city of the Empire some bastard let it doon – must have been the fuckin English in that London toon!

    Vote fur Keep Oot! Jist keep yer heid doon and wae yer Wee Wii play.
    Fuck the world cos they’ll no dae it oor way.
    Och we canny beat it…so, let’s just beat it!

    Vote aye…because its easy! Easy! Easy! Saltires ad infin-fuckin-itum. Chuck yer fast-food excretions at they who deny them.

    Nothing lasts for ever. Vote clever. Aye vote with your heart – no wae your head up your arse.

  16. roddy says:

    Your Mama-Queen loves you!! No Surrender btw.

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