Our Demands are Simple!
our PROLETARIAN PLAYER POWER or be humiliated in front of an international TV audience. The mass assembly of Hearts Workers Resistance has put the following non-negotiable demands to
Vlad the Oppressor, with the ultimatum that any refusal to fully comply will lead to his team suffering a Cup Final defeat that will not only surpass the historic workers sabotage carried out by Comrade Jeffries in the 0 – 7 game, but will rival the 0 – 36 achieved by the late lamented comrades of Aberdeen Bon Accord.3.Our demands are:
A. The immediate expropriation of Heart of Midlothian FC, and its transformation into an anarcho-syndicalist workers collective, based on equality in decision-making and wages, pending global revolution which will abolish the wages system and usher in society based on associations of free producers, in which the division of labour has been overcome and, as Marx put it, one may play football in the morning and write poetry in the afternoon, without ever being either a footballer or a poet (Comrade Black has already achieved this goal).B. The renaming of Tynecastle Stadium as the Bordiga Bernabeu. (Lest it may be thought somewhat pretentious to name the stadium of a pub team after the ground of multiple European Cup winners, we should explain
that this demand is not only intended to emphasise the crucial importance of Comrade Bordiga’s theories for Hearts Workers Resistance, but to be a decisive denunciation of the capitalist/ fascist entity that is Real Madrid. Not only does this team have deep Francoist roots, in recent times it has symbolised the spectacular commodity society through its recruitment of a player – the abominable Beckham – not on the basis of his ability as a footballer but on the basis of his profitability as a marketable commodity. It would of course be remiss of us to mention Real Madrid without paying homeage to the achievement of the Leith proletariat who in 1964, under the leadership of revolutionary legend Pat “Petrograd” Stanton, defeated the Spanish Falangists 2-0.)
C. As part of the revolutionary project to abolish the exploitation of the countryside by the city, and in solidarity with the struggle of the revolutionary peasantry of West Lothian : the total relocation of Heart of Midlothian FC to Armadale dugs track. Tynecastle – now the Bordiga Bernabeu – will be transformed into the site for the mass assemblies of Gorgie and Dalry autonomous workers council. (Incidentally we have discovered secret plans revealing that Vlad the Oppressor too wishes to relocate Hearts to Armadale dugs track – only in his case it is so that he can redevelop Tynecastle as a luxury hotel and sauna complex for visiting oligarchs).
D. Since Heart of Midlothian is clearly not a viable name for a revolutionary anarcho-syndicalist workers collective, given its close association with the bourgeois novelist Walter Scott: we demand the renaming of the club. While we have not finalised our proposal in this regard, we posit a name emphasising internationalism and the struggle of oppressed classes against imperialism: Hibernians Reserves strikes us as suitable.
E. A total change of club colours. Obviously the maroon strip is irredeemably capitalist, symbolising as it does the shedding of workers’ blood in inter-imperialist slaughters. Disgracefully Heart of Midlothian continue to “celebrate” the massacre of their team in the 1st World War, emphasising the crucial revolutionary importance of this demand. Again we consider the precise nature of the alternative colours an open question among the revolutionary mileux, but are currently moving towards a rather fetching luminescent green adorned with pink polka dots.
4.To demonstrate that we are issuing no idle threat, we here outline our plan of action for 19th May, in the event that Vlad the Oppressor does not concede our just demands:A. Our leading militant Comrade Black will strike the first revolutionary blows by scoring a hat-trick of own goals within the first five minutes, followed by a flying double-footed Cantona-style karate kick to the referee’s heid, leading to his certain dismissal (we must confess that while the Comrade was most keen to volunteer for karate kicking duty, it was only with some difficulty that we persuaded him that his target should be the capitalist lackey referee, rather than one of our fellow-proletarians in green. Nevertheless we are confident that the enrollment of our comrade in the special re-education class FROM BIGOTED BAM TO CLASS-CONSCIOUS PROLETARIAN IN SEVEN
EASY STEPS, has had satisfactory results.)B. Next, the entire team, including whichever goalkeeper Vlad has not dispatched to the gulag, will muster in the centre circle and, echoing the normal performance of former Comrade Nade, refuse to leave that area. We will steadfastly maintain our position in the centre circle while we sing seven times seven rounds of the Lithuanian national anthem, pausing only briefly to politely return the ball to Hibernian at
C. To ensure our cunning proletarian plan of action is utterly fool-proof, and bearing in mind that the rebel Leith workers have occasionally shown an alarming tendency to lose seemingly unassailable leads, the final revolutionary blow will consist of Comrade Beattie pretending to lose his balance and falling on top of Comrade Skacel,
thus crushing to death our only skilful player and ensuring there can be no come-back.
VIVA HEARTS WORKERS RESISTANCE!VIVA THE BORDIGA BERNABEU! DEATH TO VLAD THE OPPRESSOR!