Have I got a new laugh for you innit…

Professional Cockney Ray Winstone on HIGNY

Professional Cockney

I guess we’ll just have to get used to this.  Ever since the Scottish Government had the temerity to ask its people about self-governence Little Britain has only gone and taken the bleedin ump cor blimey. You can ardly move in Londinium these days for earing witty little digs at us sweaties.

BBC2’s Have I Got News For You on Friday were the latest wags to entertain us with some clever Scotch satire.  Professional Cockney Ray Winstone – not a bad actor it has to be said – was replaced in the host’s chair at the last moment by a parody account. This was a shame cos I really like Ray Winstone.  Instead of hilarious “Oo’s the daddy” we got “Scotland’s economy does ave its strenfs.  Its chief exports bein oh-yil, whisky, taahtan and traaahmps.”

A vote was taken among the HIGNY audience on wevvah Scotland should “buggah orff”. I thought that was below the belt from the Have I Got News team, seeing as how the Guardian’s Steve Bell had already used the joke.  Hope they paid him royalties.

Satirical cartoon from The Guardian's Steve Bell

Satirical cartoon from The Guardian’s Steve Bell

Satirical economic fanzines such as The Economist have got in on the act with the Jockularity . Who can forget their classic Skintland cover:



Even that corner of Little Britain that shall forever be called The Hootsman joined in with the sweaty-baiting fun.  Although it has to be said their wit was less Al Murray and more Rik from The Young Ones: “Oi fascists!”

Swastika on Sunday

Swastika on Sunday

It’s great that Daan Saarf can poke gentle fun at us.  National stereotype jokes defuse the tension.

“There were these 3 Englishmen walked into a bar.  It was an iron bar. Har har har.”

It’s all just a bit of fun, innit.


Comments (48)

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  1. Oh, so you don’t mind when HIGNFY makes jokes about the monarchy, Boris Johnson and foreigners, but get all sensitive when they turn their critical narratives north of the border?

    1. British institutions n’ politicians are exactly the koind of fing satire should be pokin’ fun at, so oi daan’t understand whoy you’ve equoit’d cheap Jock jokes wiff stuff abaat the monarchy n’ Boris Johnson.

      Jokes abaat foreigners are a diff’rint fing altogevva, but oi daan’t fink nobody’s stickin’ up for them abaat that. Little Englanders makin’ jokes abaat the Germans etc always make me mince pois wohtah.

      Urgh, it’s hard trying to type in cockney.

    2. David Milligan - a very Sovereign Scot says:

      I think it was a great show, thoroughly enjoyed it, besides which, we want to “bugger off”! I honestly feel sorry for those that want to stay clutching their Britishness…….. “No, please don’t say that – we love you and want to be better together” they cried. hahaha

    3. Derek Weir says:

      they never criticise there own country, do they, dim-shit

    4. I don’t mind the English poking fun at the Scots – for funny reasons. What I object to is the collective, arrogant “dismissal” from an ever increasing “collective” in the mainstream media ….it’s not a “critical narrative” or “spontaneous fun” and it isn’t any accident

    5. James Coleman says:

      What I object to is that we never get the chance to turn OUR critical narratives on them on National TV.

    6. pmcrek says:

      Hmmm… the implication being that Boris Johnson represents the overwhelming majority of people from England? Rather racist of you…

    7. Macart says:

      Politicians and celebs of all stripes are fair game, goes with the job. However the usual arrogant, dismissive and stereotyping humour is getting a little tiresome these days.

  2. bellacaledonia says:

    On Friday HIGNFY made jokes about Scots, Bulgarians, Norwegians, Germans, Islamic bombers so its good to know we’re not getting singled out for the ole national stereotype humour that England is justifiably famous for.


    1. Charles Patrick O'Brien says:

      Famous surely INFAMOUS,arrogant racists,could add more,but just cancelled my Private Eye subscription.Not much I know but felt good to tell them why.

  3. They have got the hump though. I am continually asked why do you want to be independent, looking confused and slightly crestfallen when I give them my take on it. Having said that it’s no just the English, many of my Scotch buddies, ask the same question. It’s the Scotch we need to concentrate on.

    1. Derek Weir says:

      You have drinking too much Scotch, its Scots or Scottish yah dunderheid

      1. Ray Bell says:

        Actually the word “Scotch” is of Scottish origin. Burns used it, amongst many others, of themselves.

  4. Jim says:

    It’s been a concern to me for a number of years the attitude held and expressed by people on TV south of the border regarding other nations.

    They often express a dislike/hatred of the French, the Argentinians, the Germans, the Italians and the Australians whilst considering it a witty and acceptable thing to do. If something they consider to be distaseful happens somewhere else in the world, then they have a “go” at that whole nation as well!

    However, clearly many of them reserve a distinct contempt for the Scots and Welsh as HIGNFY has again shown. It rolls off their tongues as if it were natural to them which it probably is, although they seem to have stopped doing so against the Irish.

    The danger with much of these racist comments being broadcasted by them is that it is right up the street of English supremacists, most of whom genuinely believe in these comments. It’s also plain wrong for children in English households being brought up amid amid such derogatory and demeaning comments of other nations.

    Most of us have learned not to use such derogatory language against other ethnic groups but clearly not all of us.

    1. James Coleman says:

      “However, clearly many of them reserve a distinct contempt for the Scots and Welsh as HIGNFY has again shown. It rolls off their tongues as if it were natural to them which it probably is, although they seem to have stopped doing so against the Irish.”

      The Irish are now one of the ‘races’ in England which it is taboo and racist to attack.
      Also, let’s be honest, they don’t like the Scots as a Nation because we have been taking many of the top and influential jobs in England for donkeys’ years. And in just the same way the Scots don’t like the English up here very much. Mind you I find it hard to think of a race or national group which the English actually like. And vice versa a national group which likes the English.

      1. Jim says:

        Yes James, I agree. 9.5% of the population of Scotland come from England with 1.5% of the population of England being from Scotland. However, all the “British” institutions are based in England and they belong as much to the Scots as they do the English. How can the Scots and Welsh be expected to be part of these British institutions without moving to England?

  5. Hey Kev, I’ve got an excellent joke. What do you call a racist right-wing idiot that dances around with handkerchiefs and sticks while shoving tripe down their mouth?

    An English. HAHAHAHAHA!!! LOLZ!!!

    Oh come on you grumpy English sods, it’s just a joke. Get that chip off your shoulder LOL!

    1. James Coleman says:

      Here’s another: Two Englishmen’s names are Simon Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzsimon! (wink, wink)

      And another on a topical subject.
      a Scot driving through England asks a local yokel if he would go to the rear of his car and tell him if his indicator is working. The yokel goes and looks and shouts: “yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao, yeh-nao…” The Scotsman shouts to the yokel, “I didn’t ask for your opinion on the EU.”

      And remember my English ‘friends’. It’s only banter.

      1. I did actually laugh at that second joke, it seemed somehow reminiscent of a Stewart Lee joke.

  6. alharron says:

    Scot Goes Pop got it right:

    “And before we hear the predictable squeals of “don’t these bleedin’ Jocks have a sense of humour”, let me make a constructive suggestion. How about a comedy programme shown throughout the UK, with an all-Scottish panel, in which the Scottish host asks the all-Scottish audience – “If the English ask for the nukes after independence, who thinks we should just tell them to bugger off? Who thinks we should do the world a favour by holding onto Trident, disarming unilaterally and not offering a penny in compensation to the London Treasury? Sounds fair to me, yeah guys?””

    1. Charles Patrick O'Brien says:

      Aye with you there.

    2. Macart says:

      Oh yeah! Gets my vote. 🙂

  7. annie says:

    I LOVED it! Like I’ve said before, give them enough rope 🙂

  8. Paul Cochrane says:

    Is it cos I is McBlack?

    Didn’t laugh but I wasn’t really bothered.

  9. Anthony says:

    when it comes to taken the piss, no one does it better than the Scottish. The English are good too until you find the kink in their Armour and they get all defensive and angry, I know this as I a stand up comedian. If you don’t believe me do you think any English comic could have a one on one with Frankie Boyle. I rest my case. I want to keep the Union so we can keep taken the piss. Nuff said.

    1. CW says:

      ‘I want to keep the Union so we can keep taken the piss. Nuff said.’ No, it’s really not enough. Any Scot who tried to do what Winstone did on national TV would get eaten alive.

  10. James 2612 says:

    If a well-known Scotsman is asked “Who do you want to win …”, and he answered “Anyone but England”, there would not be an outcry by the English.

    Of course not.

  11. From the footage they use to illustrate the point you’d think a film crew hadn’t been in Scotland since the Highland Games in the 1950s.

    I look forward to English news being introduced with Morris Dancing.

    1. This was probably the bit that most riled me. I expect Ray Winstone to make stupid comments when he’s doing his cheeky cockney character, and I know the newsclip bit is always full of silly videos. But was that really the best they could do? Is the White Heather Club really the prevailing image of Scotland?

      That wasn’t cutting-edge satire, it was lazy stereotyping, and it showed that, to them, Scotland is already a foreign country. Well, if that’s their attitude, let’s make it official.

  12. Let’s have the last laugh in September 2014, 😀 They will be laughing on the other side of their face then.

  13. Charles Patrick O'Brien says:

    Me I just saw xenophobia and a distinct air of racism.I look at things like this as ;one little joke is fine one bit of banter is fine but one by one these little digs are like bricks on their own no bother but they all come together and build up a wall.Enough of the constant slagging and call a racist a racist when it is one or in this case 101.Of course just my opinion,never met a bigot I liked.

  14. bellacaledonia says:

    Scots are much better at taking the piss out of ourselves than Londoners. Was thinking of Absolutely… from Stoneybridge to McGlashan.


    1. Ray Bell says:

      I hated Absolutely too. Caledonian Cringe writ large by Scottish bourgeois student types.

  15. Ray Bell says:

    Who’s the daddy now, indeed.

    Ray Winston a good actor? No, he’s pretty dismal. Always plays the same characte like Jimmy Nail and Brian Blessed. Even if he is a right Raymond like myself.

    1. alharron says:

      Hey now, Brian Blessed is a tremendous actor capable of performances of great subtlety and sensitivity: look at I, Claudius. It’s just he constantly gets cast as BRIAN BLESSED all the time, and to be fair, nobody does bombastic like him.

  16. Jim says:

    He also avoided paying £100,000 in tax last year and threatened to leave the UK if income tax goes up!!

  17. Douglas says:

    Time for a boycott of the BBC license fee…?

    Why should Scottish viewers be obliged to pay to be insulted every so often on the BBC by whichever clown happens to be near a microphone?

    Not to mention the nauseating Thatcher coverage, the interminable royal coverage and knee-bending to the USA….why should we be paying for this?

  18. Ray Bell says:

    The war we will have to fight is not one of physical weapons but a cultural one. The SNP’s been a bit philistine since John MacCormick kicked out the literati that started our political revival. Maybe it’s calvinism too.

    Of course, some hypocrites try and use multiculturalism against Scottish culture to try and maintain British hegemony over us… some of them don’t even realise the double standard inherent in that.

    Man cannot live on economics alone.

    1. CW says:

      Spot on Ray. Scotland is not just a piece of land, an economy, or a legislative area. It’s an idea, an ‘accent of the mind’ as Robert Louis Stevenson said. That’s what makes us who we are, and the SNP are too quick to forget it.

  19. I started to collect examples a couple of years ago but then gave up when there was anti Scottish remarks on just about every panel show. They died down for a bit there but seem to be back to ‘normal’.

    Stand ups are bad as well; peculiarly, particularly those with Scottish sounding names, Al Murray, Stewart Lee, Jimmy Carr, Michael MacIntyre, Kelvin McKenzie (OK I know that last one doesn’t actually realise he is a stand up 😉 ).

    Anyway, here are some on tube.

    Elected politicians, have to have thicker skins than others and that is the view of the European Court of Human Rights on this issue. If you want to stick your snout in the trough, then you have to be prepared to pay for it with vilification, and to be fair, most politicians seem to accept that.

    However different threshold standards are applied to non-politicians and much more stringent ones, again, to groups of people whether defined by religion, sexuality or nationality.

    Thus the vitriolic abuse hurled daily at Alex Salmond has simply to be accepted despite it’s extreme nature and if Rory Bremner’s new Scottish show does more of the same. as expected, so be it.

    But, abuse levied at non politicians or the Scots generally, are in entirely different categories to that.

    1. Wow. Just what is Paxman trying to achieve there? And the third one, the thing that really gets me is the woman saying “you’ll probably have lost a few listeners, but you’ll have gained a few thousand” – is that an admission that English folk love a good bit of Scot-bashing?

      This is in the same level of intelligence as “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”, “sausage-eating Nazis” and “lazy, greasy Spaniards”. It’s not satire, it’s just cheap, stupid “let’s laugh at the people who aren’t us” insults. The type of comedy that the metropolitan elite in London seems to excel at.

      1. chicmac says:

        Yeah these were from a couple of years ago. Like I said it quickly became apparent that I would be spending more time than I could afford downloading and editing out the pertinent sections, so I stopped.

        The reason for including the second was that Miles Judd (‘Angus’ sic) got his ‘big break’ (although he has not made much of it IMO) on the Scottish produced children’s program ‘Balamory’.

        The fourth, which happened before Andy had ‘made it’ by winning a slam, drew a lot of crit, in the press at the time, even from English Murray fans. The next day he was quoted saying that he and Roger Federer were in fact the two seeded players who required the least medical attention on the tour.

  20. Macart says:

    The panel and host got it wrong, simple as that. From the whole premise of the ‘wish list’ right down to exporting tramps and bugger off. I suppose its comedy if you laugh right?

    I’m laughing on the inside, no really. I’ve got a good egg sense of humour and I’ll retain it even as we wave cheerio to those nukes. Y’know, one of those exports from darn saaf.

  21. James Coleman says:

    Slightly off topic. I noticed on Google News this morning an item in two local Yorkshire papers about two young Scots visiting England who were attacked by two Englishmen with knives resulting in the killing of one and the severe injury of the other. Now the prosecutor for some reason is not claiming these are hate crimes, although he does say that perhaps it was because one of the boys was wearing a Man City football shirt. Well to me if it walks like a duck, etc, etc … These crimes were obviously racist based. One of the lads had been playing the bagpipes earlier in a pub with the ‘usual banter’ taking place.
    But the most tragic thing to me was that I then looked in the MSM to see how it had been reported. In both Scotsman and Record it was buried out of site with little mention of the Scots English connection and I couldn’t find it at all in the Herald. It just brought to mind the furore about anti-English racism over Gray’s article last year.
    If such an attack had taken place in Scotland with two Englishmen attacked the MSM would be flashing it up with wall to wall claims of Scottish anti-English racism. And the National media in England would be in full cry doing the same thing.
    So what do our apologists for England and the Union have to say about that?

  22. Les Wilson says:

    Here is a joke for you.
    Jesus was talking to his disciples and was explaining and informing them what Scotland was like, he told them,there are beautiful mountains and forests, lovely beaches, the best meat cattle anywhere, a great drink in whiskey, they have oil gas and many more great things. One of the disciples look quizzically at Jesus and asked WHY did god give all these gifts to a little country like Scotland?

    Jesus stroked his chin and turned to the disciple and said, HAVE YOU MET THE NEIGHBORS !!

  23. Les Wilson says:

    OOPS! whisky!

  24. floakmusic says:

    As HIGNFY reduces its laughs, Private Eye increases its anti-Scotland digs…purely coincidence of course

  25. John Harvie says:

    Winstone is a joke, lousy actor, he doesn’t act, he only plays himself – a fat cockney yob, one of Engerlands main exports, particularly when they play football abroad and as for promoting gambling in adverts , well that shows you the quality of the man, taking money promoting something which destroys people’s lifes. He is English, thank god, it makes you proud to be a Scot.

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