Slebs for the Union

Dave has suggested that the ‘battle for hearts and minds’ is needed to persuade us useless Scots to stick with Britannia.  The Prime Minister’s outburst came after unfortunate reports that senior UK Tories believed Alistair Darling’s leadership of the No campaign was “comatose” and “useless”.

Instead of rational debate the No people are going to bring in English entertainers to convince us to ‘stay’. We can see no way in which this will backfire at all so have decided to help the cause with some initial suggestions. Obviously actual Scottish entertainers and ‘creatives’ are just plain terrified of expressing a view so that’s why we need to look souff.

The Herald covers the story today about the prospect of a celebrity unionist “Lovebomb” being dropped. “The participation in the campaign of the English celebrities has yet to be revealed” it teases – so fevered speculation has ensued. Who will woo us?

Jim-Davidson-at-the-Princess-Theatre-Torquay-2213449David Leask has suggested “English slebs for Union: Jim Davidson, Russ Abbott in Jimmy Hats and cast of HIGNFY cracking gags about fat salad-avoiding Jocks dying young” which has a certain ring to it but – ever helpful – here’s our suggestion list for Blair MacDougall and chums …

Helen Flanagan – she’s the go-to girl for all reality tv and what’s more reality tv than giving up your right to elect your own government? She’s the People’s Princess. Hashtag: #tottyfortheunion
Mark Lawrenson – one from leftfield but big Lorro knows his onions. Could come off the bench and do a job for the troubled No team. Hashtag: #alwayshaveajockinyourteam
Katie Hopkins –  the mouthy businesswomen is just what Better Together needs. She shoots from the hip and tells it like it is. She’s the Best of British? Hashtag: #moronalert
Chas n Dave – Get out the old Joanna and let’s have a right ole knees up? Hashtag: #roughwooing
Miranda Hart – all gangly and hilarious. She’s the funniest thing since Terry and June Hashtag: #midwifeofindependence
David Dickinson – let’s go populist – we know it’s all about the economy so who better to plug the ‘value’ brand of UK plc? Hashtag: #cheapaschips
Brian May – with a guitar solo on top of the Scott Monument of God Save the Queen we’ll be wreathed in Union Jacks before you can say “Very very frightening” Hashtag: #80sbarnett
Ray Winstone – for his marvelous HIGNFY comments
Spencer Matthews – could have the ladies in the bag with his dashing / abusive charm Hashtag #noIQtestrequired

As always – your suggestions are welcome …

Comments (35)

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  1. Iain says:

    I’m sorry we won’t be seeing the usual line-up of Proudscots like Moira Anderson, Lulu and Ronnie Corbett backing the No Better Together UKOK campaign. If the celebs are to be from rUK, then maybe we can look forward to Little Mix, Ant and Dec, and the Military Wives sharing their views on the benefits of union. The cast of The Only Way is Essex might also make an appearance if we’re lucky.

    1. At least we have John Barrowman and the Krankies whose surly dig at Salmond and Sturgeon bombed during their Pantomime run at the Armadillo.

      1. Oooooh, the Krankies having a dig at Salmond and it bombed? Tell us more…

      2. Dick McWhittington (John Barrowman) and Wee Jimmy (for it is she) swimming off the coast of Morocco after being shipwrecked…

        Dick: “What are these two fish down there?”

        Wee Jimmy: “A Salmond and a Sturgeon”.

        Dick: “Oh aye, they’re both crabs.”

        A dry wind blows tumbleweed through the auditorium.

  2. I hope Jimmy Hill has been booked for it. (No football pun intended)

  3. Steve Bowers says:

    Interesting, once we know these unionist luminaries perhaps someone could ask them to point out places on a map like…. Inverness, perhaps Orkney, an easy one like Glasgow

  4. ‘Sad that Mary Berry (#letthemeatcake) hasn’t made the short-leet. She’s a dab hand at the love buns.

  5. Douglas says:

    Where´s David Starkey raving mad? He´d be worth a few thousand votes…

    1. bellacaledonia says:

      That’s a good shout

  6. An Duine Gruamach says:

    I suggest a heavyweight public intellectual. A writer. Someone who has a way with words, a certain populist appeal and who isn’t afraid to tell it how it isn’t. Someone whose very name encapsulates the Shared History Of These Islands. Kelvin MacKenzie, perhaps?

    1. bellacaledonia says:

      Or Rod Liddle?

  7. Cowaldude says:

    Not really into slobrity culture…something oxymoronic about that…so haven’t heard any of the names mentioned before but sounds like something we should encourage to help Dismal Darling on his way. Also picked up somewhere that Bitter & Twisted have a new campaign song!…Move Over Darling!!

    1. Then there was ‘Darling Clementine’

      Oh my darling, oh my darling,
      Oh my darling, Clementine!
      Thou art lost and gone forever
      Dreadful sorry, Clementine

  8. dickybeau says:

    Sun Page 3 girls will surely feature. Gotcha!

  9. Jim says:

    David Dimbleby? Jeremy Paxman? Richard Madeley? Jeremy Clarkson?

    1. bellacaledonia says:

      I’m liking the Paxman – he’s got form but Madeley’s pure genius. Hes in.

      1. Derek Coghill says:

        Paxman’s book about the English is well worth a read, incidentally.

      2. Jim McNeill says:

        Madeley gets all my votes. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Scotland but . . . “. Cue landslide for Yes.

    2. Steve Bowers says:

      Got to be Paxman, Clarkson and Rod Liddle, there’s a good 50k votes in the first sentence !

  10. Tocasaid says:

    Ho-ho! Amusing stuff but not so sure about Chas n Dave? Saw them playing in some community festival 20-odd years ago in London and they inserted the line ‘Fuck the Poll Tax’ into one of their well-kent songs.

    I’m sure the significant members of Take That could be relied upon for a pro-Union love-in though.

    1. bellacaledonia says:

      Okay Tocasaid – the Cockney geezers are out of the line-up.

  11. Prince Phillip is a well known celebrity with a wisecrack for every colonial or imperialist occasion. he can be guaranteed to deliver a ‘love bomb’ or two.

  12. Peter A Bell says:

    Richard Madeley could be sent in to explain to us Sweaties how generous the English are towards us. Hashtag: #ICouldBeSoGoodForYou

    David Sharkey is just the man to remind the uppity Jocks how we are elevated above our natural level by being part of the divinely ordained British state. Hashtag: #WeeShitesForBritain

    1. Pete,

      Sharkey is definitely on the list, just for detesting Burns and calling us a feeble nation. Yes. Let him love bomb us.

      1. Perhaps I’m missing something here, but who the Feck is Dave Sharkey?

  13. Albalha says:

    Brian Sewell please #icantunderstandyouscots

  14. Bill Cowan says:

    John_McCririck‎ – Let him shout the odds – now in his enforced retirement. (Thank you Lord!)

    Remember him frothing at the mouth about th ‘Jocks’ on Q Time a coupla years back.

  15. Dougie McCann says:

    Dan Snow will be one, and will talk up Scottish role in empire, ww1 2 you heard it here first

  16. I know I shouldn’t but I find it quite shocking that The Herald devoted so much space to such an utter non-story. Perhaps they could have ran it when slebs are named but totally ludicrous now. The good thing is it that it smacks of desperation and is almost certainly bound to fail completely. Or perhaps all the frightened Scottish Arts Community nay-sayers will finally find the courage to raise their heads above the parapet…aye right. More debate is needed but it’s highly unlikely anything worthwhile will come out of this.
    But let’s pray we’re not love bombed by Cliff, Cilla and Brucie! Bet Michael Owen goes for it after his Afghan love bombing…

    1. Hi Tam,
      Long time no see, but I never expected you to be other than on the side of the Gods,
      Chas.

  17. David Ritchie says:

    Perhaps there should be a competition to win the love bomber prize ‘Celebrity dancing on shite’, ‘Celebrity x in the no box factor’ ‘ Strictly dae as yer telt’ the possibilities are endless. We could have a Scottish version too ‘Opportunity knocks’.

  18. As Catriona Stewart wrote in Saturday’s Herald:

    “Love bombing – the preserve of manipulators, cults, politicians and jerks.”

  19. Viking Girl says:

    I haven’t laughed so much since Alec Norton’s wee prog about the Scottish accent in films. Brian Sewell gets my vote.

  20. Thank God I don’t have a TV!

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