2007 - 2022

Jam Tomorrow

Bananas-760x507This is getting really confusing. According to our beloved Prime Minister, Scotland – the country that voted to remain within an international union of nations – is guilty of “divisive nationalism”. Got it you divisive ingrate bastards? Pondering the eternal question of what “Brexit means Brexit” actually means, today it seems to mean both Jam and Bananas.

In a speech described by journalist Ian Dunt as “one of the most disastrous speeches in British political history” Theresa May made some astonishing and bizarre claims. Amongst them, that one of the driving reasons for this incredible upheaval was, we were told so that: “We’re going to be able to make our own decisions on how we label our food.”

This cry for freedom seemed to bring us back into the realms of Boris Johnson’s campaigning surrealism that the REAL problem facing us, the REAL challenge was that the EU was stopping us selling bananas in packs of more than three,

It doesn’t end there. Now we’re told – in a tweet by the Department for International Trade – that “France needs high quality, innovative British jams & marmalades”   .

This must be the post-geography world Liam Fox was talking about where French people clamour for British delicacies.

Ct1MlysWEAAB39TBring out the Branston!

With the hashtag #EXportingisGREAT (was it bring your kid to work day?) HP Sauce, Lincoln sausages and warm beer will be the foundations of our new economy as Parisians fight for Le Beouf. The Italians will be importing Birds Eye Potato Waffles (they’re waffly versatile) and the Bisto mum will be appointed International Trade Secretary: “Ive got something to tell you … the economies tanked”.

If you’re not convinced that marmalade is the answer rest assured by comments from Andrea Leadsom. As the Tories shut up shop and prepare to put up barricades to free movement (all in the valiant fight against ‘divisive nationalism’) Ms Leadsom has suggested that Britons “should take up the fruit picking and farm labouring jobs currently done by European Union (EU) migrants, The environment secretary said she hoped more young people could be encouraged to “engage with countryside matters” and take up jobs and careers in food production.”

She then went on to suggest that this could be done with apprenticeships thereby bridging the gap between the often illegally low wages offed to migrant workers and our own children. Aw, that’s sweet. As sweet as those delicious marmalade exports now propping up our economy. And now, thanks to having cast-off the Brutal Banana Cartel that has been suppressing us for so long, we Brits can once again make Banana Marmalade and – crucially – label it however we like.

We’ll have none of your foreign muck on our table, with your divisive ‘cuisine’.

Taking back control never tasted so good.

Comments (27)

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  1. lordmac says:

    It looks like the uk is removing all medication suppliers, from the European union, the NHS will now be supplied from ,home supplier’s or abroad .regardless of cost

  2. bringiton says:

    I was joking with friends a few weeks ago about the return of the tattie holidays for kids now that foreigners are to be banned from farm work.
    No joke it now seems!

  3. Charles L. Gallagher says:

    I believe that the Boston, Lincs. will tell a very different story about their Lincolnshire Poachers, LOL.

  4. Crubag says:

    There is a period of mental adjustment for the Remainers – which going by those who pined for the vanished days of Empire could last for some time. I think it will last longest among the commentariat who nailed their colours to the mast.

    But the SNP, at least, has made its peace, and there will be no second indy triggered by leaving the EU. Possibly this is because the SNP, like Labour, has historically been suspicious of the EEC and then the EU. The Greens similarly. In fact, the only consistently pro-EU party has been the Lib Dems, but they’ve never managed to realise their dream of federalism.

    And as a whole, Scots have hardly been too bothered about the EU institutions, or how they are going to manage the problems of a single currency (but no single budget), stagnant economies, security and open borders, or the overweening power of Germany. We can chip in with advice, but will now be making an alternative approach work.

    1. Sylvie says:

      Are you Liam Fox in Disguise?

      1. Valerie says:

        Crubeg obviously discussing some other country. 62% of Scotland voting to remain, but we are not bothered by EU. Aye right.

        We have Davidson, May and an ex Python spitting on Scots in the last 24 hours, but grovellers like Crowbag can’t get off their knees.

        The £ has inevitably dived again, and productivity has stood still for 8 years. Tory conference saying they will NOW invest in infrastructure. Good luck with that, as independent assessments put that at £500. Billion minimum.

        There is a hard core 30% that will keep.telling us how good it is being shackled to this rotting corpse. The rest of us want to work towards something aspirational.

    2. scrandoonyeah says:

      gone fishing

      1. Crubag says:

        62% of those that voted – not all Scots – and 38% of Scots weren’t fazed by Project Fear II, whose alarums have not come to pass.

        The SNP has recognised that support for the EU institutions as currently constituted is tepid, at best. There is no support for an indy 2 based around EU membership.

        Any Scottish application to join a future EU will need a referendum first – and on its current trajectory I can’t see that being all that appealing.

        1. Doug Daniel says:

          “62% of those that voted – not all Scots”

          People who try to claim the “votes” of non-voters for their own side of an argument are the worst kind of people.

          1. Crubag says:

            “Scotland – the country that voted to remain within an international union of nations”

            The elision isn’t mine, it’s Mike’s. My point is that of those that cared enough to vote, 38% weren’t deterred by Project Fear II.

            So it is wrong to say “Scotland – the country” – better would be “a majority of Scots”, or similar.

            And as I say, give it five or ten years following on from indy (with the concomitant control of natural resources, including fisheries and oil) and I think the pro-EU leaders would struggle to persuade the electorate to join. That’s certainly been the Norwegian experience – twice.

        2. Legerwood says:

          “” 62% of those that voted – not all Scots – and 38% of Scots weren’t fazed by Project Fear II, …”

          You say the the 62% who voted Remain were not all Scots but the 38% were. Wee bit of a contradiction there is there not?

          The people of Scotland voted in the EU referendum and of the total number of the people of Scotland who voted 62% voted to Remain and 38% voted to leave.

          1. Crubag says:

            No, that’s not what I meant to imply. For voting purposes, everyone who casts a vote in Scotland is a Scot (I think we should stick with the civic nationalism bit), whether or not they consider themselves as such.

            But the Remain campaign likes to comfort itself with the idea that “Scotland” voted for the Union, or every council area voted Unionist – the fact that a million Scots (1,018,332 to be exact) voted to dissolve the Union is an inconvenient but very large fact.

            The SNP at least has recognised this – run an indy 2 based around EU membership and you could already be a million votes down. Not worth the risk, hence why the SNP has accepted the idea of being in the UK but out of the EU for the foreseeable future. Opinions will vary as to how far we can see into the future, however.

  5. Charles L. Gallagher says:

    Should have added, Job Centre after Boston, Lincs.

  6. Norrie MacQueen says:

    Semi-serious point: where are these marmalade oranges coming from? What will they cost to import now that the £ is worth approximately one old Portuguese escudo?

  7. Broadbield says:

    You’ve forgotten the Marmite. Can we supply it? It’s a spread, Jim, but not as we know it.

  8. Legerwood says:

    If the UK comes out of the EU it can indeed label it’s food any way it wants BUT if it wants to export said food to the EU, one of its biggest markets, then it will have to label the food according to EU regulations otherwise they won’t buy it.

    Marmalade. I visited India 8 times in 3 years -all parts. Had marmalade every morning with my breakfast roll. The marmalade came from Austria, the butter from Denmark and the bottled water was tested by a German lab. I think the UK may need to rethink a few things.

  9. William Ross says:

    The problem with all of this is that 62% of voting Scots voted for the UK to remain in the EU. Some of these guys were Yessers but most were not. On the other hand, nearly half of all Leavers were Yessers ( including Crubag and myself) Scotland did not appear on the question on 23 June.

    On the other hand, 55% of voting Scots voted to maintain the UK on 18 Sept. 2014. I was not one of them. I campaigned strongly for Yes, and spoke in numerous public meetings. I put heart and soul into it. But we lost. It is entirely appropriate that British citizens should have had their say on the EU and any Indyref 2 can only happen once Brexit is over.

    Good Bye forever Jean Claude Juncker,

  10. Andimac says:

    And while we’re at it, let’s reclaim all those traditional dishes that form the basis of our Great British cuisine – Coq au vin, Spaghetti Bolognese, Lasagne, Wienerschnitzel, Pizza, Paella, etc. None of yer foreign muck post-Brexit!

    1. Charles L. Gallagher says:

      Is my ‘Mince and Tatties’ safe, LOL?

  11. Jack Collatin says:

    ‘Crubag’? Yet another anonymous pompous pseudonym, and the usual Unionist red herring; ‘what about the million who voted Leave’, crap?
    We are to accept FPTP WM Governments, and the prospect of three or four arch right Tory zealots exclusively negotiating terms to drag us out of Europe, against the will of the ‘vast majority’ of the Scottish people, because an anonymous, faceless ‘Crubag’ points out the error of our ways.
    You are a faceless coward, sir. Man up, I’m in the phone book.( You are without doubt a man, or a series of men in Better Together’s hive of trolls; the language is mucho macho patronising guff.) Come back on here under your real name and we’ll debate. Until then, fuck off.

    1. Crubag says:

      If you think EU membership is such a vote winner, argue for an indy 2 on that basis. You could even double up on your bet by having a single question: Exit UK and apply to join EU/Remain in UK.

      But I think you recognise you lose more votes than you gain by bringing in the EU.

      1. Jack Collatin says:

        You don’t exist. You are a fiction of some Unionist shit stirrer’s imagination.
        I’d be better talking to a dead parrot. Fuck off.

        1. Crubag says:

          How does it go again? Denail – grief – acceptance?

          If you read the comtinental nrwspapers they’ve gone straight to stage 3.

          They wouldn’t have the UK back if they asked.

          Scotland? Maybe, depends on how it plays out with Ireland and with Schengen in general.

          1. Jeff says:

            Bollocks – we can exit the UK and remain in the EU, no application required. Bring it on.

  12. John McCall says:

    Few realise how essential marmalade and other confitures have become to the global economy but “spread betting” by banks and hedge funds is a major driver of market activity.

  13. Jonny says:

    The Faroe Islands belong to Denmark but are not part of the EU. The Åland Islands belong to Finland but are not part of the EU. So it would seem to be entirely possible for England and Wales to leave the EU on their own, if the political will existed. But it doesn’t.

  14. Wullie says:

    HP Sauce” made in the Netherlands! tae.

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