The Fluffitive

Readers will recall way back in June 1994:  OJ Simpson was on the run and live tv channels tracked the police chase as the former running back drove his White Bronco along the freeways of LA. Fast forward twenty-four years and David Mundell is driving his Vauxhall  Corsa in second gear across the Badlands of Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweeddale. He’s always one-step ahead of the GMS team. He’s spotted at Bentpath, mistaken at Gilnockie, then pops-up on CCTV at Powfoot – he’s seen by a sharp-eyed petrol-attendant filling up at Thankerton, before heading off in the direction of Biggar.

He is the The Fluffitive.

He is only able to escape capture because of the collective uselessness of the Scottish media and the fact that he is so unremarkable that he is able to blend into any surroundings at will.

To recap the Secretary of State has gone awol after a string of lies and ‘misclaims’ have been exposed in recent months:

David Mundell (October 2017): A Scotland Brexit impact study exists.

David Mundell (November 2017): No Scotland Brexit impact study exists.

David Mundell (February 2018): Scotland Brexit impact study exists and we’ve seen it.

His statements haven’t been vague or open to misinterpretation, they’ve been really specific.

He’s been caught lying through his teeth – or – potentially worse – just so out of the loop of government ‘strategy’ that he’s little more than a decorative appendage.

“Doom-mongering warnings of a ‘lost decade’ and ‘deep and severe’ damage are becoming increasingly alarmist.”

Mr Mundell was categorical: “There is not a Scotland specific analysis.”

 

Mundell is in danger of making Alistair Carmichael look like The Wise Old Man of Truth.

Politicians routinely lie. They do it all the time, but when they’re caught-out it’s more normal for them to dissemble, shuffle about, stall or distract. It’s not rare for politicians to lie, but it is rare for politicians just to run away.

So the whole sordid affair does leave you at a loss.

Politicians have set such a low bar, it’s unusual for someone to lower it – like some Tory limbo dancing of public standards.

How does someone so wildly incapable rise to the dizzy heights of Governor General? And what does David’s behaviour do to the reputation of the great Office of State?

Do we imagine the great Secretaries of Yesteryear fleeing in the face of a wee porkie?

Does anyone really imagine the Right Honourable Harry Primrose 6th Earl of Roseberry doing a runner?

Remember the oleaginous Malcolm Rifkind (since sadly traduced)? He was less likely to head for the hills than brass it out to camera oozing patrician power and plush over-confident steely vigour.

You can’t imagine the weasel-eyed Michael Forsyth hot-footing at the first whiff of trouble can you?

Dr John Reid would have rather bitten your arms off rather than turn and flee, and Helen Liddell was said to be ‘so hard her balls clanked’.

Douglas Alexander would have stood his ground and no doubt written a 5000 essay displaying his great intellect, whilst Danny Alexander, what, wait… Danny Alexander was Secretary of State for Scotland?!

Maybe this will catch-on?

Maybe as Trump is re-shaping the US political landscape so too is Snackbeard re-shaping ours? Maybe, instead of being seen as a cowardly incompetent liar, he will be seen in years to come as a brilliant political operator. Maybe other politicians will follow suit? Maybe if things get too hot at PMQs Theresa May will just shout “Oi Philip let’s leg it” and scarper. Maybe Michael Gove will, under intense scrutiny from John Humphries just climb out the window and abseil out of Broadcasting House?

There is of course a far-worse scenario.

Maybe Mundell will simply never return.

Maybe Mundell is the Reggie Perrin of Scottish politics. Maybe he’s the Shergar, the Amelia Earhart or our era? Maybe David Mundell is Scotland’s D.B. Cooper?

 

Comments (19)

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  1. Welsh Sion says:

    I always thought Blundell-Mundell resembled Rajoy, the Prime Minister of Spain. Well, when you consider the proximity of their politics in insisting that a territory of their ‘country’ is better together with others and being governed from the imperial centre, one shouldn’t be too surprised.

    And has anyone seen Fluffy and Rajoy in the same room together? No – me neither.

  2. Malcolm Kerr says:

    This GMS clip from 2015 goes a long way towards explaining why Mundell tries to avoid interviews. Enjoy!
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SaMNdhrpxFw

  3. TorryJoe says:

    Wonderful stuff lads! More like this, please.

  4. bringiton says:

    For Scottish Unionists,the London establishment must be protected at all costs,even if it means Scotland going down the pan.
    That is what we voted for in 2014,or so it now appears.
    Until that point,Scottish independence was regarded as a symbolic gesture with no possibility of becoming a reality allowing Unionists to pretend they were 100% behind Scottish interests,devolution etc.
    No longer and they have now had to nail their true colours to the mast….Scotland no more.

    1. jk.scobie says:

      The more shite sprouted by msm the more people believe, unfortunately, but surely there must be a way to get the truth to the people

      1. Welsh Sion says:

        jk Scobie

        The more shite sprouted by msm the more people believe, unfortunately, but surely there must be a way to get the truth to the people

        _________

        You could do no worse than distribute my book, “Parables for the New Politics” amongst the good folk of Scotland! (Available via Amazon.)

        Sorry for the cheap plug … 😀

    2. Alasdair Macdonald says:

      Bringiton,

      after the ‘45 rebellion was suppressed with extreme cruelty, Scotland was for a time ‘banned’, as Robert Burns highlighted in ‘A Parcel o’ Rogues’. Only after Waterloo and the charge by the (sic) ‘North British’ Dragoon Guards took place, which was probably going to get Wellington off with a ‘score draw’, until Bluecher and his Prussians arrived to get the victory in ‘extra time’. The Guards, reportedly set off on their charge shouting ‘Suas Alba’/‘Scotland Forever’. This feat is commemorated in a massive – really huge – painting in the House of Lords smoking room, called ‘Scotland Forever’. So, we were acceptable again and Walter Scott created the myth, which entranced Queen Victoria, who clasped an idea of us to the royal bosom.

      Thereafter, we were kept in check by using Scottish troops to fight imperial wars overseas. This kept the numbers of young men down and also rendered communities defenceless against exploitation by the Anglo-Scots toadies to the power elite. The Tories are the continuation of this toady class.

      1. Alf Baird says:

        Well said Alasdair. The only satisfaction I can find from the ongoing Mundell saga is that in Scotland most of the people voting for such Tory toadies and their single policy offer of ‘one-nationism’ British nationalism are not Scots. Scots had made Scotland a Tory free zone by the 1990s’, which tends to indicate who the real culprits are for breathing life into the Tory corpse in Scotland.

    3. Oh! YES says:

      Nailed it, right good and proper!

  5. Graeme Purves says:

    It almost makes one yearn for the urbane and assured political dexterity of George Younger, 4th Viscount Younger of Leckie and Baron Younger of Prestwick.

  6. Alba woman says:

    Enjoyed the humour….much needed in the madness of the MSPs trek to the basement

  7. Dek says:

    Great stuff Mike. Truth is stranger than fiction.

  8. James Mills says:

    If David Mundell did not exist the Scottish Tories would have invented him .
    Who else would be soooo bad at his job that he could ( almost ) make the rest of this dire band of non-entities look good ?

  9. AngusSkye says:

    He is in his new “safe place” in the basement of the new-improved Scottish Office, sitting in the dark, wrapped in his comfort blanket, clutching his Maggie Thatcher doll.

  10. Craig P says:

    ‘Snackbeard’

    Love it.

  11. Richard MacKinnon says:

    “Maybe this will catch-on”?
    “Maybe as Trump is re-shaping the US,……………..”
    “Maybe, instead of being seen as a cowardly incompetent liar………..”
    “Maybe other politicians will follow suit”?
    “Maybe if things get too hot at PMQs Theresa May will……………”
    “Maybe Michael Gove will, ………………. just climb out the window and abseil out of Broadcasting House?”
    “Maybe Mundell will simply never return”.
    “Maybe Mundell is the Reggie Perrin of Scottish politics”.
    “Maybe David Mundell is Scotland’s D.B. Cooper?”
    Maybe one day I will read an article written by Mike Small that says something positive?
    Maybe?

    1. Alasdair Macdonald says:

      Maybe, we might be able to say the same about your contributions, too, one day.

      1. Richard MacKinnon says:

        I doubt it Alasdair.
        I feel obliged to highlight pointless articles that say nothing. Take this one, it must have taken Mike Small a good few hours of his time to put together, but what does it contribute? Its just another one of Mike’s contemptuous slagging off exercises. This time David Mundell (he is one of Mike’s favourites. He usually gets the treatment every month or so).
        Why I feel it necessary to comment on the facile, sneering, playground level of Mike’s contributions these days is important. I see a trend in these articles. They are all negative. Mike has nothing left to say that makes the reader think.
        I think Mike is washed up when it comes to analysing present day Scottish/UK politics objectively. The signs are all there. It is not surprising I suppose when you look at the evidence. Mike has never been able to accept the reality of the 2014 and 2016 referendum results. He is still in denial.
        I take it as a duty to point out absurdity, I can’t help it, and I feel as if I know Mike Small now and that it is therefore my responsibility to help him with a word of caution.
        So Alasdair, I am sorry to say, as long as Mike keeps churning them out I will still be here. How long it will take for the message to sink in I really don’t know.

  12. Brian says:

    Love it… this is brilliant. Really made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
    I probably won’t love it in the morning, though.

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