The King’s Speech

“Does One actually have to read this nonsense?”

“It comes with the job Sir.”

“And do they seriously expect One to announce drilling for yet more oil?”

“I am afraid so Sir.”

“Though everyone knows One is totally opposed to it?”

“Of course they do. Thats why they think the whole thing is a joke Sir.”

“A joke? Do they really? How clever of them. And they dont think One really wants the homeless thrown out of their tents?”

“Of course not Sir”.

“But One has no option has One? One is obliged to turn up and read whatever damn nonsense our esteemed Prime Minister has come up with. Who is it this month anyway?”

“Its still Mr Sunak Sir. At least for the moment. He is the one who has written the Speech, Sir.”

“He’s still there? How amazing. Does One actually have to turn up to read the bloody rubbish? Could One not just record all this nonsense on one of those tape recorder things?”

“I am afraid tradition does require the Monarch to turn up, Sir.”

“And the regulations presumably say One has to wear the State Crown with all these vulgar jewels, looted from the Empire – not to mention a hundredweight of dead vermin draped round Ones shoulders. God, One does hate ermine so.”

“Well, no Sir.”

“No? No what?”

“There are no regulations regarding your dress whatsoever. There is a dress code for their Lordships – and for the other lot I suppose – but nothing is actually stipulated for the Monarch.”

“Really? So One has to say what One is told to say but One can wear anything One likes.”

“My understanding entirely Sir. Though I would add that the people do expect something theatrical, with a nod to history, however spurious.”

“So perhaps you could have a word with my valet?” 

“Of course Sir.”

“Just give him this card. It shows what One wants.”

“Its a playing card Sir.”

“Yes, its obviously a playing card. And tell him to get my tailor to do the necessary alterations. And the bells on the hat must be big and loud! Tell him that. Big and bloody loud!”

“Yes of course Sir. Yes of course.”


Comments (5)

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  1. Peter Havelock says:

    Brilliant stuff

  2. John says:

    Something struck me as I was watching this charade. I had become used to always seeing Eliz2 with a crown on her head but not so Charlie boy so when I saw the crown on his napper it just looked bizarre and laughable This along with all the dress up pantomime outfits just reinforced how much of a nonsense the whole monarchy thing is in the 21st century.

  3. SleepingDog says:

    Reminds me of the Royal Wars on Nature as described by Roger Lovegrove in Silent Fields: The long decline of a nation’s wildlife (2007). One choice quote:
    pp23–4 “The royal household in the single year 1344–5 required 79,220 skins of trimmed miniver (particularly the white belly fur of the squirrel) sewn into fur garments, while another 32,762 were used simply to produce the trousseau of Princess Phillipa and the liveries of her escort.”

    While Scots royals were apparently into declaring war on ‘vermin’ even before the bloodlust of the Tudors, and Dumfries Fur Market was said to be at the centre of the trade for a long while.

    The story of British Royal Wars on Nature is brought almost up to date by Norman Baker in And What Do You Do? What the Royal Family Don’t Want You to Know (2020), who devotes chapters to ‘Costing the Earth’ (Charles’ hypocrisy in conserving and killing animals, defending and destroying environment) and ‘Killer Wales’ (Charles — RSPCA’s Hooligan of the Year 1978, made head of UK arm of WWF — unconstitutionally attempted to persuade Labour government to drop its abolition of fox hunting).

    And of course, all those grisly trophies nestling amongst the loot of the British Museum. I guess nothing says “We own you” like owning bits of your ancestors and gloatingly putting them on display, human or non-human.

    1. Doghouse Rielly says:

      Yeh, but really it was just funny.

      1. SleepingDog says:

        @Doghouse Rielly, Charles Windsor has a weekly meeting with PM Sunak during which he can secretly lobby for any and all of his interests. I doubt he has forgotten who the Prime Minister is, and jokey commentary which obscures the political power the hereditary theocratic monarch wields is just playing into British Establishment hands. In my view.

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