Full Archie

FULL ARCHIE

Tuesday, 3rd December, 09:15

Dear Sir/Madam, I regret to inform you a close friend died in the early hours of this morning. Would it be possible to postpone the proof of identity interview scheduled for 10:45, Kindest regards, Dan.

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Tuesday, 10th December, 17:34

Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for your timeous response & for your clarification of the situation regarding reimbursement for every 2nd trip to & from the Department for Work & Pensions via public transportation. Given my current location this would involve me taking the bus. A bus by the way provided by a private company whose ethics I strongly disapprove of. Perhaps like many others you will have signed your name & joined that grassroots campaign which seeks to commemorate the 60th anniversary of that final rail passenger journey between Lossiemouth & Elgin with what we have long been promised will finally be that great reset to those wonderful days of yore when everyone was free to roam as they pleased, leaving doors unlocked with a freshly made plate of sandwiches by the pantry side serving hatch. There were picnics on the tables, hankies knotted to the scalps, red & white striped deckchairs up, down & along the streets, strands, seafronts & sands. One really has to ask oneself why anyone in their right mind would have wished those days away & while we’re at it also ask how in heaven’s name there cannot be a modicum of interest on the part of our local authority to cough up the very modest investment required to reconstruct any of those equally salvageable, far less ecologically damaging stretches of that great Morayshire railway of not so long ago. At least while we have remaining in our midst the necessary knowledge & skilled hands required to restore both track & train to within the nearest inch of what they once were in all their former glory. How painful it is to recall those halcyon days before the enemy arrived to destroy the traditional protocols of common sense, decency & mutual understanding. This failure to protect all we hold dear has of course cost our community severely in terms of motor vehicles scrapped, swapped, upgraded, revamped, not to mention all those families adversely affected due to the numerous injuries sustained & significant pile of bodies lost over the years to those treacherous stretches of highway between our respective conurbations. Such is my consternation following my recent workplace accident that I am loathe to set foot outside the croft unless specifically directed to do so by your department. However, since your colleague has advised that unless I adhere strictly to your instructions I shall be heavily penalised I have determined that my most sensible, not to mention fiscally responsible & environmentally friendly course of action would be to make best use of the pushbike I recently received as a gift from the father of the dead friend I mentioned earlier. Since our previous correspondence this long neglected contraption has received the customary overhaul. The chain has been oiled, brakes adjusted, tyres inflated to as close as I am able to ascertain should be their optimal pressure according to the rudimentary equipment I have at my disposal. 30 to 35 psi for the front, 35 to 40 psi for the rear. All of this I have undertaken in order to give myself the best possible chance of successfully completing the proposed 12 mile round trip via the tarmacked stretch of Air Force cycle path which I propose to join at the nearest available entry point across the road from the ancestral stones of Kinneddar before pedalling at as rapid a rate of knots as I am able to muster given the likelihood of freezing fog, gale force winds, sleet, snow, hailstones &/or torrential downpour. Whatever the weather I shall remain steadfast in my resolve to reach the perimeter of that historically fascinating medieval city of Elgin within which your office of the Department for Work & Pensions has long been located. The only fly in the ointment being that this pushbike does not as yet have lights. Would it be overly cheeky of me to inquire if the recently elected government has made any provision whereby I would be able to apply for funding to cover the cost of a dynamo or a set of battery operated head & tail lamps? I ask only in the interests of my fellow travellers/road users with it being so very dark in the mornings a serious accident is almost bound to occur, Kindest regards, Dan.

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Friday, 3rd January, 13:33

Wie it being the New Year & me being the new me I thocht it wis high time tae set Universal Control straicht vis-à-vis my mental health. I hud already received a verbal warning tae cease writing political diatribes in the online journal. Apparently sich behaviour wis liable tae upset local staff & cause consternation amongst thir fellow pen pushers down South. Therefore, me being the resourceful chap I frae this day forth intended tae be, & it being freezing cauld & white ootside, I determined upon a fresh yet practical course ae action. I wid remain ensconced within the scratch, beneath the necessary 3 or 4 duvets & security blanket until sich time as I expired thru lack ae heat, food, water, or a combination ae me being severely deprived ae a’ 3. Whilst in sich fatalistic straits I wid thru chittering teeth & wie near frozen fingertips recite whilst simultaneously typing oot the final diatribe fitch wid also serve as ma last will & testament. This hail sorrowful tale micht be found by a member ae ma estranged femly or mair likely a total stranger lying next tae ma emaciated corpse huvin been saved ontae the laptop I mair usually used tae inform Universal Control ae ma latest attempts tae convince prospective employers tae gie me half a chance. Tae say I wis enthusiastic wid be understatement ae the year, even if the year hud barely begun. The nicht afore being a Thursday & therefore the ideal nicht tae tak wansel in search ae ony available weekend opportunities I hud launched masel purposefully oot the scratcher ontae the stane cauld flear. Swiftly donning the black Winter clobber ae community service knitted cap, cargo breeks, donkey jeckit, & of course the boots built wie ultimate safety in mind, i.e., the type ae footwear that guaranteed ye wid hae far fewer problems wie ony yung cunts that happened tae be creeping aboot, huvin run oota drugs, dough or wee lassies tae harrass.

Funny how these yung rapscallions wir nivir that oot the gemme tae notice fit ye hud oan yer feet. Unless it wis mair tae dae wie yon air ae confidence wan seemed tae possess finivir wan kaint he or she could kick a hole thru the nearest fence & keep kicking ‘til the hole wis big inuff tae duck thru & awa across sumbdy’s back lawn thereby avoiding ony unnecessary confrontation wie cunts half yer age & twice yer size. Anyhoo, wie it huvin turned even whiter ootside whilst I wis haen the evening snooze I thocht I micht as weal continue tae show ma dedication tae the community’s well-being by marching roun the toun a few times whilst oan the joab search. The wiping oot ae twa burds wie the wan stane approach. All in aid ae making the pavements yon crucial bit clearer, therefore mair safe fur ony auld age pensioners that micht struggle tae git back & fore tae the shop themorra morning if the white stuff did fit it hud in its nature tae dae, i.e., turn tae ice.

Fit a splendid chap I wis tho! If his majesty got wind ae it I wid practically be furst in line for next year’s New Year Honours. An OBE nay bother! I felt like phoning the Southampton Chronicle Scottish Heilan Edition tae ask if they fancied daen an exclusive interview & sending the photographer roun tae tak the required half duzin snaps for a centrefold feature oan ma journey frae back door a’ the wey roun the toun 5 times & back in the back door wance more. Did ye ivir see a local Tory or Scottish Nato Party MP or MSP oot daen onything comparable? Course ye fuckin didna.

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Monday, 13th January, 21:08

Taen a daunder roun the toun tae see if oany associates wur gan aboot furra bit craic that micht coincidentally gie me some indication ae fan oany employment opportunities wur liable tae appear oan the horizon. Went in by the shop & hud a scan ae the newspaper but thir wur nay joabs in the classified section, jist a list ae fa hud drapt deid & the usual advertisements fur funeral parlours, care homes & florists. The main reason ah hud gone in by the shop wis cos ah wis runnin low oan jist aboot athing, a loaf bein ma top priority. Managed tae snag twa fit lang batons oot the reduced tae clear trolley fur 48p in total. This wis a hoorna relief seein as earlier oan ah hud rustled up an egg mayonnaise mixture fur ma piece themorn’s efterneen then marcht doun tae the supermarket oanly tae discover some rival bargain hunter must’ve anticipated ma move & gone aff wie the French stick ah normally purchased efter the prices wur knocked doun aboot 8PM. Either that or the supermarket staff wur that fed up ae me creepin in fur a free read ae the paper & gan aff wie the top bargains they hud hidden the aforementioned French stick thru in the storage area.

If it wisna fur the fact ah wis currently located in sich a sma closely knit community ah micht huv taen a decky roun the back ae the buildin in order tae ascertain whithir the fire escape hud by some miracle been left slightly ajar. It wis ideal conditions fur jist sich a move, cauld, dark & quiet. Upoan further consideration tho ah realised that me bein arrested fur sich thievery wis unlikely tae increase ma prospects ae achievin employment oany time soon. Also worthy ae note wis the mair ambitious notion farby if ye wur gonae engage in oany sich activity ye micht as weal ging the hail hog & hotwire a transit van, tak aff fur a mair densely populated conurbation far yer phizog wis less liable tae be recognised. Aince parkt in a dimly lit secluded area near the dilapidated security door ae wan ae they vast superstores ye could easily force ye wey in & mak aff  wie half a duzin cinema size flat screen tellies as opposed tae jist the wan humble baguette.

It wis a fair trek frae shop tae shop but me bein in nay position tae shell oot fur a ful price loaf fit option did ah hae? Especially considrin ah hud biled ma last fower eggs earlier oan in the day & the oanly reason ah hud biled the hail fower in a oner wis tae save oan the lecky by cuttin the number ae bilins doun tae jist the wan.

Thir is an auld story ah wis telt mony years ago aboot prisnurs ae war that managed tae escape frae a concentration camp wie nowt but biled eggs tae ate whilst oan the run frae the Nazis. The problem bein that the amount ae energy the body uses in digestin a biled egg is mair than the biled egg provides. Sae fin the prisnurs wur captured they wur even mair skin & bone than they hud been prior tae escape. Ah wis tryin tae avoid sich a situation seein as oany potential employer wis liable tae be less than impressed if ah turned up lookin like ah wis suffrin frae an anorexic eatin disorder or hud spent the last few months oan the drugs. Huvn said that, am fairly sure ah can recall either hearin or readin sumfar an argument suggestin sum ae the mair unscrupulous employers wur keen inuff tae hire the odd punter suffrin alcohol or drug dependency seein as sich punters tended tae overcompensate in the workplace or flee roun at super human speed daen fit micht best be described as ‘half a joab’ but also in the process gien the aulder, mair experienced hauns summin ither than management tae complain aboot, thereby providin a distraction frae fit micht if left uncheckt become rebellious stirrins amongst the workforce whilst also providin those virri same unscrupulous employers wie fit they nay doot considered a much needed bit ae comic relief.

Anyhoo, this latest instalment ae ma last will & testament wul hopefully help explain how at this particular moment me haen a bit ae loaf hud become a matter ae life & death. Alang wie the mayonnaise, ma last sadly diminished jar ae fitch hud been scraped oot wie a fork in order tae gie the egg mixture some much required consistency. This wis anuthir item ah wid huv tae replenish as soon as the next Giro reached ma bank account fitch hud unfortunately gone weal alow fit micht huv allowed the purchase ae a dynamo or set ae heid & tail lamps fur the pushbike ah mentioned in a previous instalment. Jist as an aside, altho it is true mayonnaise already contains egg, it does accordin tae the label also contain inuff ile tae provide the necessary fuel required tae keep, as they say, the coal fires burnin, plus an E number or twa that nay doot heightens the mood whilst also gien the bricht shiny een & nicht vision required finivir wan must leave wan’s abode fur the perilous trek back & fore tae the shop wie his or her ful focus oan avoidance ae they multitudinous patches ae hard packt ice that lie in wait like sae mony traps the enemy hus set oan each & ivry pavement.

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Friday, 17th January, 18:30

Ah wis fairly sure the twa politicos ah wis haen the displeasure ae watchin must be related, & it wisna jist thir physical resemblance. If ye hud shut yer een & listened it wid huv been damn near impossible tae distinguish fitch ane wis currently daen the monologue. Even if they’d swapt scripts ye’d be nane the wiser as tae fitch ane represented fitch political party. It wis jist a case ae them huvn tae covr the usual bases & offer up nowt practical or common sensical. In fact, offer up nuthin uthir than thir ain smug sense ae self-contented satisfaction at finally huvin achieved thir lifetime’s ambition ae being oan the box ae wondrous light they hud at wan time oanly ivir been permitted tae watch fur wan hour oan a Saturday evening & that oanly efter successfully completing the clan chief’s traditional test whereby ivry bairn hud tae staun oan wan leg & recite thir times tables backwards frae the 12 times tae the 1 times withoot stopping. Wie yer een open it wis even worse. Thir mannerisms & gesticulations being almost identical reflections ae wan anuthir. Ye could imagine the pair ae thim huvn tae be separated as toddlers cos they wur fechtin o’er fas turn it wis tae be banker oan the computerised version ae thon wance highly regarded Monopoly boardgame. Either that or they hud jist been spending way too much time thegither spouting now standardised scripts oan the Brucie Bonus Show. Fit wis the acshil difference atween a vote for the Scottish Nato Party & a vote for the Tories onywey? Nay difference. These powder blue suit school prefect tie wearing punters wur takin ombdy daft inuff tae vote fur thim fur the proverbial ride. & it wis no a high quality ride. It wis a ride far the suit ye voted fur bailed oot afore proceedins wur even halfwey commenced & ye wur heided dounhill at a rapid rate ae knots in a rickety ald go-kart cobbled thegither frae a puckle burst fish boxes & discarded pram wheels wie nay brakes & an incline much increased frae the wan the propaganda sheet promised. How come the British state didna jist dae fit it wid ultimately end up haen tae dae onywey, i.e., fence aff the entire district, stick up a sign saying CRAB MORAY & gie oany surviving descendant ae the peasantry a wan wey ticket back tae the Heilans & Eilans frae whence they hud arrived efter thir femly hud been banished by the ancestral counterparts ae this current crop ae con artists fas greatest contribution thus far wis tae clear the land ae fowk & fill it up wie sheep they believed wid mak thim a few quid in the short term fitch they could then squander oan o’er priced tasteless artefacts & morally dubious, environmentally unsound, ecologically disastrous get rich quick schemes they stul huv the bare faced cheek tae insist is in abdy’s best interest.

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Saturday, 25th January, 20:24

The irony of course being that peer auld Rab taewards the end ae his scandalously short existence wid huv been unable tae afford a Burns supper & in these days far radical expression has been stomped intae the grunn by state sponsored quangos sich as Destructive Scotland under the direction ae Scottish Nato Party commandant German Boab & his squad ae cultural officers fitch favour performative dance & associated Findhorn Foundation type pish produced by the disgruntled offspring ae the disgustingly wealthy & specifically tailored tae cause as little offence tae sae cried polite society as humanly possible whilst preferably being written in the language ae the oppressor wie the likes ae Moray Council urging ombdy writing oan local issues in thir ain tongue tae apply fur funding thru the time wasting deid end that is the English Arts Council as tho in its wisdom Moray Council hud taen the executive decision amongst its body ae councillors largely ae lowland & English descent that oanly emigrant writers frae England writing in the English language should be permitted tae pit pen tae paper in a maist thoroughly bourgeois English manner being that Moray itself is according tae this sae cried ‘local’ authority aywis & oanly ivir tae be regarded as some last bastion ae Great British colonial rule far retrograde Victorian values are the standard by fitch each & ivry punter should be judged & gien nay choice but tae subscribe. Wan can only imagine auld Rab wid huv viewed oany sich state ae affairs wie the contempt it deserves, kainin oanly too weal that if he hud been born in oor times he wid, if nay a’ready deid, be sufferin greatly frae the combined evils ae a harsh Winter & sae cried cost ae livin crisis fitch is jist anuthir in a lang list ae trite phrases regularly deployed by wur supposed socio economic caretakers tae explain awa the fact that oan thir watch the richest few huv by corrupt & nefarious means commandeered even mair land, property, cash & opportunity, leavin an ivir increasin number ae vulnerable fowk frozen wie nowt tae ate & at least a quarter ae bairns livin in these islands in dire poverty wie nay prospect ae onything but mair ae the same or worse yet tae come. This micht ging sumwey tae explain how it is that durin events sich as Burns Nicht & Remembrance Sunday fowk are encouraged tae mak jist wan hypocritical token gesture per year then as swiftly forget & fa’ back intae actin in the exact opposite manner ivry minute ae ivry ither day until they thimsels, huvin become almost withoot noticin the skinflint materialistic self-centred supposedly Christian thoroughly racist slave drivin warmongerin arseholes they in daen as directed wur ay destined tae become, suddenly cark it, leavin the undertaker the unenviable task ae tryin tae recreate the precise same self-satisfied smirk they managed tae maintain almost tae the virri last oan thir sour smellin less than aesthetically pleasin jowly wee coupons.

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Me bein sae thin & pore,
wishin tae catch a bass frae shore,
bein a gude size & weicht,
cleand then cookd, straicht oan the plate.