Bananas-760x507This is getting really confusing. According to our beloved Prime Minister, Scotland – the country that voted to remain within an international union of nations – is guilty of “divisive nationalism”. Got it you divisive ingrate bastards? Pondering the eternal question of what “Brexit means Brexit” actually means, today it seems to mean both Jam and Bananas.

In a speech described by journalist Ian Dunt as “one of the most disastrous speeches in British political history” Theresa May made some astonishing and bizarre claims. Amongst them, that one of the driving reasons for this incredible upheaval was, we were told so that: “We’re going to be able to make our own decisions on how we label our food.”

This cry for freedom seemed to bring us back into the realms of Boris Johnson’s campaigning surrealism that the REAL problem facing us, the REAL challenge was that the EU was stopping us selling bananas in packs of more than three,

It doesn’t end there. Now we’re told – in a tweet by the Department for International Trade – that “France needs high quality, innovative British jams & marmalades”   .

This must be the post-geography world Liam Fox was talking about where French people clamour for British delicacies.

Ct1MlysWEAAB39TBring out the Branston!

With the hashtag #EXportingisGREAT (was it bring your kid to work day?) HP Sauce, Lincoln sausages and warm beer will be the foundations of our new economy as Parisians fight for Le Beouf. The Italians will be importing Birds Eye Potato Waffles (they’re waffly versatile) and the Bisto mum will be appointed International Trade Secretary: “Ive got something to tell you … the economies tanked”.

If you’re not convinced that marmalade is the answer rest assured by comments from Andrea Leadsom. As the Tories shut up shop and prepare to put up barricades to free movement (all in the valiant fight against ‘divisive nationalism’) Ms Leadsom has suggested that Britons “should take up the fruit picking and farm labouring jobs currently done by European Union (EU) migrants, The environment secretary said she hoped more young people could be encouraged to “engage with countryside matters” and take up jobs and careers in food production.”

She then went on to suggest that this could be done with apprenticeships thereby bridging the gap between the often illegally low wages offed to migrant workers and our own children. Aw, that’s sweet. As sweet as those delicious marmalade exports now propping up our economy. And now, thanks to having cast-off the Brutal Banana Cartel that has been suppressing us for so long, we Brits can once again make Banana Marmalade and – crucially – label it however we like.

We’ll have none of your foreign muck on our table, with your divisive ‘cuisine’.

Taking back control never tasted so good.