Bella Caledonia presents: “The Very Bastards Of Creation 2012 Awards”

“The Scots are the very bastards of creation.”

John Wilkes, the great English radical, reformer, and 18th Century Member of Parliament for Middlesex

“The noblest prospect which a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to England.”

Samuel Johnson, essayist, wit, moralist, biographer and Tourette sufferer

“Tartan tosspots”

Kelvin Mackenzie, former editor of The Sun

To celebrate the wonderful article by top financial magazine The Economist, and fair comment on Alex Salmond by erudite historian David Starkey we at Bella Towers have donned our sexiest patriotic underpants and are delighted to unveil… cue drum roll… “The Very Bastards Of Creation 2012 Awards”.

Everyone knows that the Scotch race are stupid, mean, skint, parochial, subsidy junkies with haggis breath, squint teeth, ginger pubes and an inferiority complex.  This is common knowledge.  How could it be otherwise in the only country in the world too small, too poor, and too stupid to run itself.  However in these days of Political Correctness (pah, spit) who has the courage, wit and integrity to tell the truth in print about the mangy beggarly Scotch?  To this end we’re delighted to launch a new competition open to courageous Scottyphobes everywhere.


Keep an eye on the national media for potential nominees and leave links to their totally justified and unbiased Scottybaiting in the Comments section below. Articles with personal abuse directed towards Alex Salmond are acceptable.  Borderline racism and commentary mocking the Scots ability to organise a piss up in Buckfast factory are positively encouraged.  Op-eds predicting plague, black death and penury post-Independence could be in with a shout.  And don’t forget those evergreen humorous digs at short bread, Braveheart and drunkenness.  Lol.

Nominations are open until 30th November.  After which a panel of Jeremy Paxman, David Starkey and the exhumed body of Edward 1st will select the winners.  We will hold a celeb-studded award ceremony at a swanky London hotel in the new year to which the winning nominees and their nominators will be invited to attend.  So get nominating folks!  (Also add Twitter nominations to #theverybastardsofcreation )

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  1. bellacaledonia says:

    NOMINATION: Alex Salmond Is A ‘Caledonian Hitler,’ Says TV Historian David Starkey

    1. KW says:

      Bound to be in with a shout. Nomination accepted Bella!

  2. bellacaledonia says:

    NOMINATION: The Economist (with THAT cover)

    1. KW says:

      Ditto above.

  3. Doug Daniel says:

    “Everyone knows that the Scotch race are stupid, mean, skint, parochial, subsidy junkies with haggis breath, squint teeth, ginger pubes and an inferiority complex. This is common knowledge.”

    Love it. After having just seen a Telegraph blog effectively call Scots unemployed and feckless, I needed a giggle.

    Observe Telegraph columnist and professional Dave Cameron lookalike, Robert Colville, casually insulting the Scotch:

    In case you can’t bear to read past the first paragraph, the insult in question is: “Under my system, the unemployed, feckless and Scottish (I’m sorry if that’s tautologous) would get one vote.” Bonus points to Robert for doing it in a way that excludes the uneducated (i.e. manky Scotch bastards) from understanding the joke by using a big word like “tautologous”.

    1. KW says:

      Nice spot from the clever Mr Colville. Nomination accepted.

      1. Doug Daniel says:

        It’s been pointed out since that he’s using the Jonathan Swift “A modest proposal” get-out clause. However, I see that as being for the main thrust of the piece, rather than for the wee dig at us ginger-haired, caber-tossing, erm, tosspots.

    2. “the unemployed, feckless and Scottish (I’m sorry if that’s tautologous)”
      Wow that is really insulting.

  4. “Scotland believes not in entrepreneurialism like London and the south east… Scots enjoy spending [money] but they don’t enjoy creating it, which is the opposite to down south.”

    Kelvin McKenzie again.

    1. Doug Daniel says:

      Are we tight-fisted, penny-pinching bastards or are we frivolous spenders? I wish they would make up their minds so I can decide what to do with my money, all of which I accumulated off the back of the saintly English race, of course.

      1. richardcain2 says:

        Put simply; we love spending their money, we just can’t abide to part with our own. Then again, we shouldn’t be allowed any of our own – we’re far too stupid and would only go and blow it on shortbread and Bucky.

      2. Doug Daniel says:

        And heroin, don’t forget the heroin. I have some in my sandwich just now.

        (This is a lie – I had my sandwich two hours ago.)

    2. KW says:

      Kelvin Mac is always good value for some Jockabout fun. Checking to see if this is from 2012. Nomination under adjudication.

  5. Baroness Deech, “”We are all subsidizing them I think, through benefits and.. um… all sorts of other reasons…”

    1. KW says:

      Top Keech from the Baroness Dreech. Nomination accepted.

  6. Frank Garden says:

    This from the Tories at westmonster before the union:

    ‘Scotland is a beggar and whoever marries a beggar can only expect a louse for her portion’.
    The Tory leader Edward Seymour on the subject of Union with Scotland in the English Parliament, 1700

    1. KW says:

      Perceptive stuff from ye olde days. But pre-2012. Sorry. Nomination declined.

  7. Mrag Lennie says:

    Oh god, did you have to put that photie up without giving us a warning. I am now going to lose my lunch.

    1. KW says:

      What do you mean? Thats Mike Small after two years on the Fife Diet. Eat local. You know it makes sense.

      1. Mike Large if you ask me, fnar fnar

      2. Morag Lennie says:

        The combination of Union Jack, and male dangly bits, is too much for this old woman to stomach..

      3. bellacaledonia says:

        I can see why the physique might make you think it’s me, I’ve no Speedos in that livery.

  8. richardcain2 says:

    J. Paxman to A. Salmond: “I’m comparing you to Mugabe”

    Just google “paxman scotland” for a veritable smorgasbord 🙂

    1. KW says:

      A magical moment from El Pax showing he isnt as universally challenged as they say. Here’s a video link to that marvellous nterview.

      Nomination accepted.

      1. That was fantastic – wonderful, we will have to have a set of awards of this nature for Wales too I think

  9. KW says:

    “Do you want to be our man in Pyongyang? After independence, Scotland will need People’s Embassies. And North Korea will be a coveted ambassadorial posting”

    Kevin McKenna – a gentleman abroad – tells it like it is in the Manchester Guardian,

    1. KW says:

      Seeing as its you… Nomination accepted.

  10. Castle Rock says:

    I would like to nominate the whole of the Scottish Labour Party for their unerring commitment to running Scotland down (latest one was by Johann Lamont trying to hide her glee when asking a question at FMQ’s on the loss of the potential Doosan jobs)

    I’ve won – surely?

    1. KW says:

      Good try. But no you havent. No links. No multiple entries. Nominations declined.

      1. Castle Rock says:

        Grrr, beaten on a technicality.

        Right, as you clever people at Bella are being…well, clever, I now formally submit the BBC Scotland article on the Economist story and the bloggers comments from their politics section as my winning entry.

        Of course I can’t really provide a link as they didn’t actually cover the story and they don’t allow punters comments on their political section (they do however allow comments in the English and Welsh sections) so that just proves my point that the establishment don’t have to do or say anything sometimes to be anti Scottish.

        Subtle eh?

        Can I have a large t-shirt please?

    1. KW says:

      Okay. But that’s enough from you. Nomination accepted.

  11. NK says:

    Multiple outbursts from that noted Scotophile Boris Johnstone ….

    On moving to permanent BST: “We can’t let the Scottish tail wag the British bulldog – and especially not when the change would be in the interests of the Scots themselves. The arguments are overwhelming, and especially in London, the motor of Britain’s economy. ” Telegraph Online 19/04/2012

    On drought in the South-East: “Since Scotland and Wales are on the whole higher up than England, it is surely time to do the obvious – use the principle of gravity to bring surplus rain from the mountains to irrigate and refresh the breadbasket of the country in the south and east.” Daily Record Online 22/02/2012

    On Scotland the ‘Subsidy Junkie’: “The Scots should not get free university education subsidised by us in England. They shouldn’t get free nursing care.” BBC Online 03/10/2006

    1. KW says:

      Darling Boris with an okay-yah triple whammy. Great stuff. Nomination accepted.

  12. Alicia. Urray says:

    Two for one. Defends the Economist and then goes on to comment on the First Minister’s appearance and her a good catholic too.

  13. Galen10 says:

    A regular poster and arch obscurantist on the Liberal Conspiracy web-site named “Bob B”

    See posts 35, 37 & 39 where Scots are villified for inter alia a long history of financial disasters (Darien forsooth…still getting dredged up after 300 years..priceless!, and of course “Scottish” banks being the cause of the current economic melt down), aggression (the Jacobite invasion of England in 1745… no…honestly…), chronic alcoholism ….

    oh.. and post 42 where the bigotry card is played due to a few assaults on people wearing England football shirts in Scotland.

    To be honest the man has form.. he brings these old chestnuts up at every opportunity, despite widespread ridicule on the basis of having been given a hard time by some nasty big boys in Scotland sometime when he worked there.

    I thought it might be good to have evidence of the sort of woo-woo knee jerk anti-Scottish bigotry from “ordinary” posters on internet forums you seem to come across all to often, as well as stuff from the literati and politicos!

    1. KW says:

      Good try. But if we accept anonymous internuts then the swamp would be deep and fetid. Nomination declined.

  14. Here you go Kev.

    On what sort of tattoo to adorn his fine English body luxury hotel reviewer, Chris West, pondered the following:
    “The Union Jack could be a possibility except the flag won’t exist in another five years time (when will the SNP field candidates in London? We’d be as happy to vote ourselves rid of the drunken spongers as they would be to cut themselves adrift to go off and float face down in the North Sea).”

    The above was in an article in Lusso magazine, available to guests in both The Scotsman and The Glasshouse hotels in Embra. Ironically The Glasshouse is owned by a company called The Eton Collection…

    1. KW says:

      Chris West and the Lusso luvvies are in. Nomination accepted.

    1. KW says:

      Moaning faced Michelle sticks her chest out for emigration. A good argument for Yes. She’s in. Nomination accepted.

  15. Surprised the Toleygraph’s No1 & 2 SNP/ Independence haters Cochrane and Johnson haven’t been nominated already, so i’ll put them up for an award.
    Evidence? Pick an article from the Scotland page, you won’t be disappointed.

    1. KW says:

      Dinnae be lazy. Link please.

    1. KW says:

      Never heard of Mary Ann Siegheil but she sure knows how to patronise. Nominaton accepted.

      1. she also does occasional work for the BBC, you would probably recognise her if you saw her, definitely patronising


    i know Lee is a “comedian” but this was a step too far. the link could almost be treated as a double nomination. one for the piece and one for the illustration. i think the picture offended me more.

    1. Nah, that’s one of the best pieces of satire around. It’s a piss take on every Daily Mail -Telegraph article on Independence. In my humble opinion…

    2. KW says:

      The fish gag – “I like salmon – was the only one that was funny. Therefore it doesnt count as satire. Mrs Herring is in. Nomination accepted.

      1. Blair Liddell says:

        I’m afraid Mr Lee is, as my old primary teacher used to say, so sharp he’ll cut himself. So please don’t rise to the bait; I can just see his 2013 Summer Tour poster:- ‘Nominated for Very Bastard of Creation’ – he’ll dine out on it for years!

    3. Doug Daniel says:

      I think it’s wrong to see that as anti-Scottish. It’s merely the same misguided “no difference between a child in Cumbernauld and one in Carlisle” reasoning that many unionists on the left (particularly those who self-label themselves as “reasonable and rational”) use for being against independence (although the jury is still out as to how many of them truly believe it and how many just use it as a way of making independence look like selfishness).

      Of course, it is completely discredited by asking “what about a child in Cork, Calais, Cologne or Copenhagen?” as no one has yet explained why this “internationalist” outlook doesn’t extend past Dover and lead to calls for a unified European superstate.

      My point is that, based on the politics throughout his body of work, Mr Lee wanting Scots to help the left in England beat the Tories is consistent with his usual arguments, and so I don’t think he is being anti-Scottish, merely naive. As a result, it’d be a bit unfair to put him on this list of genuinely anti-Scottish commentators.

      (And his routine about Scotland in one of his DVDs – filmed in The Stand in Glasgow – is very funny, and it’s only funny because you know he’s not being serious, which is why the Economist cover failed so miserably at being a joke.)

  17. Then there’s Lord David ‘call me Sir David’ Steel and his allusion to the North Korean leadership with his description of Salmond as ‘the dear Leader’.
    “We are seeing a trend towards the attributes of the one-party state, where news bulletins are led by stories of what the dear leader has been doing today and that is a real danger.”

    Oddly enough in the same House of Lords debate Baron Ffoulkes refers to Salmond as the Messiah!

    1. KW says:

      Lord Steel will have to do a it lot better than that to get into our hall of fame. Low level jibes are part of the rich tapestry of being a .. whatever Lord Steel does. Nomination declned.

  18. Vronsky says:

    It’s fun, but let’s not do this – it’s a bit Newsnet Scotland.

    The greatest revenge is to be not like unto them.
    – Thomas More, Religio Medici.

    1. bellacaledonia says:

      Tis done Mr Vronsky

    2. Doug Daniel says:

      Nah, there comes a time where we have to say “enough is enough”. The Economist cover was one straw away from snapping the lumbar region of the desert-dwelling even-toed ungulate, and the Starkey comment – both in the fact it he made the remark in the first place, and the fact the BBC has completely ignored it – was a final bail of hay. The BBC’s silence on this one annoys me much more than any of their other silences, because while people would usually accuse the BBC of quite simply wanting to avoid criticising one of their favourite “controversial figures” for fear of having to find someone else to appear on Question Time when Melanie Phillips and Kelvin MacKenzie are unavailable, the fact they covered his rather racist comments about the English riots puts pay to this theory. No, there is no other reason for them to have ignored this one other than the fact it’s about Scotland, and therefore okay.

      This is, of course, the same public broadcaster (for Scotland) that employs famous Scotch-haters Jeremy Clarkson, Jeremy Paxman (as far as I know Jeremy Vine, Jeremy Bowen and Jeremy Guscott are yet to confirm if being called Jeremy leads to automatic hatred of all things Scotch – in a hat-tip to the Father Ted “not a racist” episode, Jeremy Bowen seems to be far too busy promoting anti-Palestinian bias to devote his time to anti-Scotchness too) and David Dimbelby, as well as regularly giving platforms to others who espouse anti-Scotch views (particularly on Question Time). As such, it comes as no surprise that they do not see it as being particularly newsworthy that one of the people whose wages they regularly chose to spend the licence fee on has made yet another attack on Scotland. Just like it’s never newsworthy when a Labour politician accuses Salmond of being a dictator – it is, after all, what Labour politicians are there for.

      Also, compare the strength of the opposition parties’ reaction to Starkey’s comments (essentially “that’s terrible, but no one really cares what he says”) to their reaction when Jeremy Clarkson called Gordon Brown a “one-eyed Scottish idiot” (essentially “this man should never work for the BBC again”). It’s strange that the ire of Labour politicians in particular is reserved for essentially factual statements about their own kind (Gordon Brown is, after all, not only blind and Scottish, but also an idiot), with mere platitudes given out when actual lies are made about Salmond and Scotland…

  19. James Morton says:

    Strange image alluding to Scotland feeding off Britain’s bosom?
    “I am tempted to ask the uneasy question, are we lesser sons of greater people, that we could only destroy their lifetime achievements by ripping Scotland off from Britannia’s chest?”
    Robert Ardis rallies the friends of the Union

    1. KW says:

      That was just mainstream unionist rhetoric. Nomination declined.

  20. bellacaledonia says:

    What about dear old Seb Coe?

    1. KW says:

      Pre-2012. Pay attention Mike.

  21. Duncan Spence says:

    Is Donald Trump on the list already?

    1. KW says:

      Of course. Once a Trumpet…

  22. dotcomnorrie says:
    Scottish independence: Scotland ‘needs UK to set up trade missions’
    David Mundell a face you couldnt tire of slapping

  23. dotcomnorrie says:

    george pussycat galloway needs no introduction as a candidats

  24. Aleksandrs Kolosovs says:

    Completely agreed with the author, however do not suffer from from tourettes, or anything else for that matter. I am a foreigner myself who lives in so called Shaitland (Scotland) amongst sheep shagging bastards (aberdonians). It’s very sad because these people are mean, two faced, liars, mocking birds, pisstakers, tossers. The people of scot/LAND aren’t your usual neutral folk. They will do nasty stuff to anyone, even themselves. Personally live here already for 10 long years (sadly, but stuck amongst them). These scum of the earth are BASTARDS(real ones, not just swearing at them for nothing do, but calling them on purpose). These people always want something from you (to use and abuse a great scots way) Would love to organise interview to tell much more, plus evidence! In the meanwhile, avoid this Scotland if you can this place is nothing but rip off for decent folk. Morals in Scotland DOES NOT EXIST. Nation of cowards and backstabbers, nationslists, and racists. A new NACI LAND

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