I Shall Vote No


[After Christopher Logue, I Shall Vote Labour (1966)]

I shall vote No because, without Westminster, We’d never have got rid of the Poll Tax

I shall vote No because eight hundred thousand Scots live in England, and there are no jobs here to match their talents and meet their aspirations

I shall vote No, because my grandmother was a MacDougall

I shall vote No in case Shell and BP leave and take their oil with them

I shall vote No because otherwise we would have to give back the pandas

I shall vote No because I am feart

I shall vote No because the people who promised us a better deal if we voted No in 79, and warned us of the dire consequences of devolution in 97, tell us we should

I shall vote No so as not to let down my fellow socialists in Billericay and Basildon


I shall vote No, because if we got rid of Trident and stopped taking part in illegal wars we would be a target for terrorism

I shall vote No because if I lived under a government that listened to me and had policies I agreed with, I wouldn’t feel British

I shall vote No because the RAF will bomb our airports if we are a separate country

I shall vote No because to vote Yes dishonours the Dead of the Great War, who laid down their lives for the rights of small nations

I shall vote No, lest being cut off from England turns Red Leicester cheese and Lincolnshire sausages into unobtainable foreign delicacies, like croissants, or bananas

I shall vote No, because, as a progressive, I have more in common with Billy Bragg or Tariq Ali, who aren’t Scottish, than some toff like Lord Forsyth, who is.

I shall vote No, because the certainty of billions of pounds worth of spending cuts to come is preferable to the uncertainty of wealth

I shall vote No, because it is blindingly obvious that Scotlands voice at the UN, and other international bodies, will be much diminished if we are a member-state

I shall vote No because having a parliament with no real power, and another which is run by people we didnt vote for, is the best of both worlds

I shall vote No because I trust and admire Nick Clegg, who is promising us Federalism when the Liberals return to office

I shall vote No, because Emma Thompson would vote No, and her Dad did The Magic Roundabout

I shall vote No, because A.C. Grayling would vote No,and his Mum was born on Burns Night

I shall vote No because David Bowie asked Kate Moss to tell us to, and he lives in New York and used to be famous

I shall vote No, because nobody ever asks me what I think

I shall vote No, because a triple-A credit rating is vital in the modern world

I shall vote No because things are just fine as they are

I shall vote No because the English say they love us,

and that if we vote Yes, they will wreck our economy.

Comments (34)

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  1. JBS says:


    is intense testaments
    is crock at the beginning
    is governed for good and ill
    is the narrowest and biggest
    is a grand place and getting grander
    is entering an exciting new phase
    is great, ye know
    is a network of
    is a division of Mary Queen of Scots, Inc
    is a totally branded experience
    is a smokie dilemma talking wireless technology
    is helping to run up a huge overdraft of who cares
    is a land
    is welfare
    is at heart of you-wee debates
    is the road not to take
    is leading the way
    is already there
    is location
    is choice
    is a land of kailyards and kings
    is de Brus and the spider from Mars, whit
    is the department of the scabby face
    is available for parties
    is available for functions
    is home to the snaggletooth
    is not for the squeamish
    is around at 5 but maybe not at 7
    is essential to the nominal
    is a directory see above
    is complete without planet charters
    is incredibly strict with pingpong players
    is scheduled as usual for a government budget
    is an exclusive country house
    is Walter Scott flaying a harp
    is a librarian
    is ideal for watching
    is coming
    is the sewing machine
    is the umbrella
    is the coatstand
    is the ironing board
    is gathering its skirts
    is a prude descending a staircase
    is the pan drop
    is scandal sheet
    is pagan
    is PAGAN, says kirk
    is saying Thursday December 14
    is saying Thursday January 25
    is now the definitive source of information
    is a joint
    is patchwork
    is needle
    is set to lead the world by Thursday
    is a network of young people
    is to promote cheese
    is charity of the year
    is a land ok by Steve
    is a mooth smooched by Donna
    is a company limited
    is nil-nil at half time
    is a haven for runts
    is wide open and waiting
    is generally of hairier quality
    is the wet dream of Kirkcaldy
    is that all there is then? I left in 1979
    is a country in the northern part of the island of great Britain
    is the sick shuggie of europe
    is very much kicking
    is a steamer’s dream
    is the constitution class starship Guardian Wallace
    is the original region of The Invincible Bam
    is an illegal download
    is shrinking
    is the intermediary
    is the ideal bargain basement
    is delighted to have the opportunity
    is what is the aye is naw antisyzygy or somethin
    is an evangelical
    is home to the dolphins
    is indeed a land
    is overdue for defrag
    is steeped in halfcut history
    is a very romantic setting for the small
    is Burns with a handful of posy, nice
    is the full creamy pint
    is of course scenery
    is the biggest natural difference
    is not concerned with protection
    is called by no one “Stickit Street”
    is designed and maintained by Bonnie Prince Charlie
    is the home of the Long Swally
    is a cognoscente of strong tobaccos
    is provided for your personal and non-exclusive
    is developed and tested on pirate software
    is about the size of the state of south Carolina
    is a sign of fur
    is pathos
    is bathos
    is gritty realism
    is pawky poetry
    is a box of broken bits
    is oil that is the gas, an auld sang
    is desperately seeking solder
    is the
    is that
    is all there is?
    is inconclusion

    1. bellacaledonia says:

      Hey thanks for this – this is great

  2. Steve Bowers says:

    Sad isn’t it, as I wander about sweeping peoples chimneys the “foreign” people ( there are many of them in Aberdeen) just can’t understand why anyone would vote NO, they can’t see any way possible of that happening, ” why wouldn’t you want to run your own country, it doesn’t make sense” were the words of a Dutch customer.
    On the positive side I would estimate that well over 30% of my English customers are voting YES and that’s something my English YES voting wife finds heartening.

    1. Jim Kenendy says:

      My Polish wife is also voting yes

      1. Christina McGuire says:

        Tak tak tak, dobra!

  3. I will vote no because I want my daughter to live in fear of ill health and poverty.

    1. kate says:

      may she be offered dunvegan as council housing

  4. manandboy says:

    If Westminster were to become, overnight, the most generous and caring centre of Government in the world
    I would still vote YES
    If England were to discover millions of tons of gold in every county with silver and diamonds lying beside it
    I would still vote YES.
    If England were to flow with rivers of clear soft water, teeming with salmon and sea trout and fish of every kind
    I’d still vote YES.
    If Westminster got down on it’s knees and confessed it’s every misdeed against the Scots and made sincere apology with full and generous compensation
    I would still vote YES.

    I won’t go on.

    Independence is not about being better or worse off.

    It’s about SELF-DETERMINATION in all things Scottish.

    The No campaign will NEVER agree to that wish.

    I’m voting Yes – my self respect demands it.

    1. Jan says:


      1. Robert Dickson says:

        Interesting dialogue Jan, but there’s something very important for you to remember. It’s the English who are giving you the opportunity to self determine your future. I think you’re confusing self respect with a total lack of respect for those who want to remain in the union.

      2. Allen Smith says:

        Ha.. I like it .. “the English are giving you the opportunity to self determination”… Funny that I thought this was a basic human right that couldn’t be given and should never be taken either…

        I respect everyone’s right to self determination and if the majority want to stay with the UK then so be it.. I can always leave! Similarly if there is a Yes vote anyone who wants to stay in the UK can also leave, if they wish. What I have no respect for is the English establishment who feel that Scots should be thankful that they are so gracious to give us the right to determine our own destiny!

        BTW.. I live in Dundee, I am a Scot… I was born and lived in England for half of my life so I have nothing against the English at all.. but comments like Roberts remind me why I feel more Scottish than English and why ‘Yes’ is the only Logical choice for this modern, rich and dynamic society that is Scotland!

      3. Morag says:

        “It’s the English who are giving you the opportunity to self determine your future.”

        Have you ANY IDEA AT ALL just how insufferably patronising that sounds?

  5. Auld Rock says:

    How refreshing to see that after all the ‘SCARES’ we still retain our droll sense of humour. Keep them coming.

    Auld Rock

    1. stewartb says:

      Auld Rock, I agree that a sense of humour does help but …..!!

      The ‘scare’ stories are so pervasive and repeated again and again in newspapers, on newspaper bill boards on our high streets, on the radio and TV. Of course we can find ‘comfort’ in pro-yes company that they are ridiculous in so many ways and are often easily refuted.

      But it is their ‘impact’ on the views of the wider electorate that is important here.

      It is the partial nature of the MSM’s coverage of the issues that is the greatest risk to achieving a yes majority in September. We should not underestimate the negative effects of these scares reported by media organisations that many voters may still regard as authoritative.

  6. Dan Huil says:

    The No campaign has no alternative to its own Project Fear; It’s only hope is the manipulation of the fearful.

    “Timendi causa est nescire –
    Ignorance is the cause of fear.”
    ― Seneca,

    Seek the knowledge and vote Yes.

  7. Dave Coull says:

    Some of these are more articulate reasons for voting No than we usually hear from No voters

  8. jimmy says:

    Someone should do Charles Bukowskis Roll the Dice

    if you’re going to be a nation, go all the
    otherwise, don’t even start.

    if you’re going to be a country, go all the
    this could mean losing global influence,
    a place in the EU, some bankers, insurance companies and
    maybe Michelle Mone etc etc

    1. Walte Masson says:

      jimmy why da we need a bloody place in the eu were daft enough having ta pay oor share through our neighbours south o the border who pay 165 billion pounds a year for a bunch o parasites ta sit roon a table ,only ta sign treatys selling parts o our country away traitors ? So why should ye think a seat in the eu is good de ye na ken its gan ta cost scotland as a country 100 billion a year or 35 million a day jist fer membership , na jimmy oor tax payers cash can ba used a million times better on our own country by ourselves , not by the germans and fools like clegg urging us ta stay in the union and get bogged doon mare and mare every day, over 10 years we westminster our debt is risen ta 1 and a half trillion quid how could this happen , how did these politicans managed ta occur this mind boggling sum they blame banks recession every bloddy thing but there own bampot ideas human rights ludicrous payouts ETC VOTE YES BUT RUN OUR OWN AFFAIRS NOT BY THE EU CLOWNS ???

      1. Auld Rock says:

        Sure Walte, the EU has its problems but perhaps he would enlighten us all with what would he replace it, EFTA? If you are suggesting that we go totally alone how do you think our vital agriculture and fisheries exports will get on, do you think that it will be without regulation? Many Norwegians complain that they have to follow EU Regulations and pay for the privilege but they have no vote on what new rules are to be imposed.

        Auld Rock

  9. Fay Kennedy says:

    Dare to talk as if you’re living in a better country as Alistair Gray says. This opportunity is so precious; a defining moment in history. It’s the journey of hope and well overdue. Time to let go of the fear mantra and show the world what a decent country can achieve when the people have a say in their future. The perfect year too with all the military memories being evoked while the wars still rage. Surely Scotland will do it differently just as they so often have.

  10. Ben says:

    Love it. Apart from that penultimate line – surely this is about Westminster rule rather than ‘the English’?

  11. eddie says:

    Oh dear.

    “I shall vote No because, without Westminster, We’d never have got rid of the Poll Tax”

    Without westminster, we’d never have had poll tax in the first place.

    I could respond to the others, but starting that pathetically poorly doesn’y give me hope.

      1. Jim Mc says:

        I agree – oh dear!!

        I suppose the irony sits next to the teapoty in his house.

  12. eddie says:

    Oh dearie dearie me.

    Switches on irony meter and gets the gag :-/

  13. Jean Macaulay says:

    Great reasons. I would add –
    I’m afraid I won’t be able to watch Manchester United.
    They’ll take ‘their’ BBC, ‘their’ £, ‘their’ everything else whose name begins with British because British is an English word!!

  14. James Coleman says:

    I might vote NO if D Heil Heffer came to Scotland and walked around for a week carrying a placard saying “I lied, The English are the subsidy junkies not the Scots.”

    And I’ll certainly vote NO if BBC threatens to stop broadcasting news and pics of England and the World Cup if we vote YES.

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