When Friday Comes

image1Here’s the bad news. You can set your phasers to stun for Jenny Lindsay and myself will soon plonk our asses in the Bella Caledonia editorial chair to give Mike some well earned rest. This will be after the Holyrood election – nobody is going to trust a couple of off-message writers before then – which suits us both just fine. The ListVote/BothVotesSNP stooshie should have calmed doon by then and once more we’ll all be one big happy-clappy band of indy campers. So the theory goes.

It is possible, but by no means certain, that Bella may take a wee leftfield lurch when Mike’s on holiday. Both Jenny and myself prefer the non-linear fragmented fuzzy logic hive-brain of the poetry world to the cut-and-thrust of political polemic. Poetry always trumps politics. Or as John Berger wrote, in his essay The Hour Of Poetry: “Poetry opposes more absolutely than any other force in the world the monstrous cruelties by which the rich defend their ill-gotten riches. This is why the hour of the furnaces is also the hour of poetry.”

So… both of us look forward to Bella’s readership bottoming out to a less nippy but more cultured cadre, and the Love/Hate SNP Comments under the articles fading away to zero. Even if only for a week. That’s our game plan anyway. (I can already picture Mike choking on his Coco Pops reading this…)

To soften up hardcore indy warriors for what lies ahead I’ve proposed to Mike a regular new column/blog called When Friday Comes. Nothing too long or cerebral. (The first of which you’re reading now.) The thinking behind it was quite straightforward. Bella readers are generally lazy, sit around drinking coffee all day, moaning about the state of the world, while glued to social media. So what better than a Health & Fitness column to inspire you all. And since no one is less qualified to write one than myself I thought I’d have a crack at it.

When Friday Comes, as the title suggests, is inspired by the second greatest of all sporting publications. The mighty When Saturday Comes is runner-up only to the legendary zine, The Absolute Gemme – which Scottish fitba fans of a certain age may recall was the absolute pinnacle of nuanced sporting journalism.

It’s not my intention to be funny or satirical. The hilarious rib-tickling Jock-baiting Have I Got News For You has already got that one covered for all yer Friday needs. Health & Fitness is a serious business. You only have to take one look at our nation of wheezy-chested smokers and curvy drinkers to realise we take our leisure seriously. The aim of this column isn’t to preach the keep fit lifestyle – because it’s fucking awful – but to prove to readers that once you go down the road of binge drinking, chain smoking and pizza munching there’s no turning back. Quitting is for losers. You’ll only do yerself an injury, either to your body or your pride.

To prove that it’s too late to change your ways I’ve set myself a tough challenge for the foreseeable future: to abandon my highly enjoyable life of indulgence, excess and leisure and submit to a punishing regime of abstinence, physical discipline and tedious routine in order ‘to do something wacky and sporting’ (insert sponsorship link to a pointless bureaucratic charity of choice). At the end of this programme I hope to prove to myself, and to the Bella reader who stays the course, that you’re much happier with a carefree – if a wee bit shortened – life of booze, fags, chips and Irn Bru breakfasts.

This comes with a rider. Since sport and fitness – aka fitba – is only one aspect of our weekend culture When Friday Comes may stray further afield. All will become clearer next Friday. Mon the Hibs.

Comments (30)

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  1. Douglas graham says:

    What’s wrong with “arses”? I’m all for Americanisms, but not when we have a perfectly good word already to hand.

    1. Jim Morris says:

      And what is wrong with pizza? It is a well-balanced meal with all the food groups and cooked tomato which is one of the richest sources of bio-flavonoids out there.

      1. Graeme Purves says:

        A white pudding supper is my ideal vegetarian meal.

        1. Kevin Williamson says:

          Deep fried porridge meets every culinary need. One of the great unsung foodstuffs if Scotland.

      2. Kevin Williamson says:

        The Gallowgate Gourmet wiz never wrang.

    2. Interpolar says:

      Maybe they really do have asses. Combine that with sport and you get a less gentrified version of horseracing. Even Alex Salmond would approve.

  2. Peter Arnott says:

    Rock on! looking forward to it.

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      Keep your Jane Fonda video handy Peter. This is an excercise in participatory chairobics. (c) A Sayle

  3. Craig Miller says:

    Aye weel, eh hae meh doots aboot the poetry an the no liking political boadies dreevin on ……but in the present century ….cool ….or is it still cool….. to say cool ? …or not ? I’ll get the hang of it as long as its only short term

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      Barry.

  4. Craig Miller says:

    As an efterthocht …post scriptum so tae speak ….”Jock baiting ” ha ha ha ….good one …innit?

  5. Socrates MacSporran says:

    “arses”. I must agree with Douglas Graham (above), except: “erses” rather than “arses” perhaps; or, bahookies maybe.

    And, while I am at it, what’s wrong with that immortal line from “Taysiders In Space”: “Set phasers to malky”?

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      I was just flaunting ma multilingualism.

  6. yesindyref2 says:

    How can you come out with such rubbish? Don’t you realise that statistically only 1 in every 7 days is a Friday? Eh? I’ve done the maths!

  7. Chic McGregor says:

    As long as you put independence first. 😉

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      Take it as read. Even when its no explicit.

  8. David McCann says:

    Good luck with that Kevin!
    But if Stubbs fails to come up with the goods, you can always take up stone skimmong at Easdale Island!
    http://www.stoneskimming.com/index.htm

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      21st May could be either new baws or new stanes.

  9. Jac Gallacher says:

    Sounds like a breath of fresh air, particularly the – love/hate comments fading away, bit- I just can’t imagine Mike taking a break or eating coco pops!

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      Coco pops are an integral part of the Fife diet. Providing its from ethically sourced local cocoa beans.

  10. shane fraser says:

    I have just gone Vegan, so i’m fucked then ?

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      Yes and No.

  11. douglas clark says:

    My phaser was set to ‘disconnect’. I had always intended to continue reading but never comment again as arguing with Mike, or indeed any blog author, is probably fruitless.

    Suggesting that Mikes wee angels, RISE, are more interested in taking votes from the SNP than Labour got Mike hot under the collar, perhaps because there is a modicum of truth in it.

    It will be interesting to see whether you and Jenny can get this blog back on course.

    Best wishes.

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      I see what you did there Douglas. Sneaking party politics into a Health & Fitness column. Yellae caird.

  12. John McCall says:

    Bella is the indy blog which is already most generalist and great to see it spreading it’s scope even more broadly.

  13. Redgauntlet says:

    All power to the pen of Jenny and Kevin, and here’s to a well earned break for Mike Small, a tireless worker. Where would we be without Mike?

    1. Kevin Williamson says:

      Amen to that.

    2. Graeme Purves says:

      Well said!

  14. Chris says:

    Looking forward to it. I have kinda fallen out of love with Bella in recent months, so a wee change may pull me back in. Such an important online resource.

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