2007 - 2021

High Tories

Ever since Bill Clinton admitted in 1992 that he’d “experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale it, and never tried it again” the edifice of truth and denial about politicians and drugs has been crumbling like some fine Afghan black.

At the time, comedian Johnny Carson joked, “That’s the trouble with the Democrats. Even when they do something wrong, they don’t do it right.” But now, on the back of revelations by the crazy-liberal-outsider Rory Stewart, whose ground-breaking street art and Andy Goldsworthy-like cairn constructions have fascinated journalists for years, that he has smoked opium, the floodgates are open to all the Tory hopefuls to admit – or construct a drug-addled past.

And exhale …

Stewart has admitted smoking opium at a wedding in Iran – prompting the Telegraph to worry that he’ll be banned under section 212 of the 1952 Immigration and Nationality Act from entering the USA as our PM, and the New Statesman to point out he could be banged up in jail according to what some people are still calling “our two main parties” manifestos.

As we’re all coming down from the massive high of Theresa May’s premiership everything is becoming clearer: they’re all on drugs and so we should be too.

It’s a revelation that makes sense of why the Rory’s glamorous past is being dissected as if he’s a Love Island candidate, a Tory hopeful so wildly bohemian and outré that he proposes National Service, with his DIY hand-held “walkabout” (billionaire funded) campaign destroying the basic tenets of political campaigning. “#AskRory” emerges as an online stoner game and Boris’s Lying Brexit Bus has been replaced by Rory’s Merry Prankster bus (pictured).

Now – after Rory’s revelations that he enjoyed the Big O, the Chinese Molasses, the Dream Gun, Tories are falling over themselves to tell all.

Spliffing Time

Jeremy Hunt we’re told has been slaking the cannabis lassi’s, and Michael Gove has now admitted taking coke on numerous occasions.

Who’s next?

Is Andrea Leadsom going to issue a statement saying simply: “Your twisting my melon man” while Priti Patel admits enjoying Horse and necking breakfast smoothies of Absinthe. Anne Widdecombe willcome out to explain that she is actually the love-child of an experimental sixties commune in Shropshire known as The Believers and was off her tits on psilocybin though most of the Strictly Come Dancing Salsa routines.

Boris Johnson, is on the record for taking cocaine and has said he’d smoked “quite a few spliffs” before he went to university which were “jolly nice.” And of course there’s George Osborne’s well documented love of the white stuff.



Brexit Britain as K-Hole

Brexit as an experiment in mass hallucinogenics is the only thing that makes sense.

The past three years has just been the controlled surfacing into public consciousness of the Psychotropic drug network operated by the Conservatives.

This may be better than you think.

Brexit as a Ketamine-induced out of the body experience can be seen as quite a good thing. If we can just turn this trip from being nauseous and disorienting to becoming chilled, relaxed and happy, we can make it through this.

Ketamine (we’re told) can “alter your perception of time and space and make you hallucinate (see or hear things that aren’t there)” and also “stop you feeling pain, putting you at risk of hurting yourself and not realising it”

If this isn’t the most perfect description of Brexit, what is?

Drug experts tell us that “If you take too much ketamine you may lose the ability to move and go into a ‘k-hole’. This feels like your mind and body have separated and you can’t to do anything about it – which can be a very scary experience.”

“Deal or no deal” suddenly makes sense as does the fantastic utopian visions of Zeppelins over-seeing the Irish Border and large amounts of “dark money” changing hands.

May’s strange jerky dancing style and the weird Gnostic sayings – were all “Citizens of Nowhere man!” – suddenly make perfect sense.

What are we to make of the Tory party mass conversion from Upstanding Defenders of Decency (circa 1970s) and its sherry-sipping hang em flog em brigade though to today’s orgy of drug-addled retrobates? You wouldn’t have found Norman Tebbit packing a mega-bong in Chingford would you?

Mostly it’s just to inject some life into their dreary leadership campaigns. Some, just any, distinguishing feature for their power-grabbing opportunism as the prospect of economic chaos looms is now essential.

From Matt Hancock to Steve Baker, from Sajid Javid to Esther McVey, from Mark Harper (me neither) to Penny Mordaunt and on and on, these people either have a trail of some ignominious past failures that we’ve just forgotten about through the sheer monotony of it all, or they’re so inconsequential and dully anonymous we’ve never heard of them.

Most of them have absolutely zero chance of being elected but are jockeying for position in a complex game of Tory Power Play, shuffling about their mild variations of deeply reactionary politics for best advantage. If you have in common your commitment to repressing democracy in whatever forms you can, whether it’s a second vote on Scottish independence, or a second referendum on Brexit or conducting your own occultish internal election of a leader, it’s best to concentrate on your whacky past to pretend that you have some hinterland and aren’t just another career politician from a tiny sliver of society imposing your insane ideological experiments and unleashing your own fragile psychosis onto the electorate.

Comments (11)

Join the Discussion

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Liz says:

    A good piece. Humourous and at the same time illustrating how depressing our situation is with these Tories in charge.

    1. Alasdair Macdonald says:

      Yes, indeed, it is humorous, while at the same time making a sharp political point about the hypocrisy of many politicians (and it is not just Tories, although rightly, in this context, the Editor focuses on the current ‘crop’ seeking to get ‘high’.

      There is another issue regarding the ‘criminalising’ of ‘drugs’. The lesson of the Prohibition Era in the US, its ineffectiveness as an approach to dealing with the issue of alcohol abuse and drunkenness and its associated malign effects on society.

      Richard Nixon’s dreadful ‘War on Drugs’ which has been ‘waged’ for nearly 50 years has resulted in a global drugs business, having a destructive effect on the lives of many (and addiction is only a small part of the economic and societal distortion and damage this ‘War’ has caused. And, this ‘War’ has created billionaires, in much the same way as Prohibition created the fortunes of Joseph Kennedy, for example, in the US.

      Indeed, it is possible that ‘drugs money’, laundered through the City of London, is a main source of the funding of ‘populism’, such as Brexit has been (and which continues to be represented by the mainstream media as an expression of a ‘desire’ by the general public.)

      To a small – a very small – extent, I welcome Mr Gove’s and Mr Stewart’s ‘admissions’, in that they might help initiate a more sensible discussion about the use of ‘mind affecting substance’, including alcohol and some of the prescription drugs which many of us are taking daily. Of course, this media fuss is a media creation, and, probably will be banished once the Tory leadership election has been completed, and Mr Johnson (the BBC’s choice) has been installed. Most people, as always, have much more nuanced view of this issue.

      I can recall a well-attended (more than 100 people) parents’ meeting about 20 years ago at a secondary school, where the issue of decriminalisation was discussed calmly, with pros and cons examined. There were no hysterical moral outbursts. Although no vote was taken it seemed clear that a majority of those present favoured some kind of relaxation of the criminalising aspects.

  2. simon says:

    Thing is if instead of taking coke they’d been indulging in lsd they would be much nicer people

  3. Josef Ó Luain says:

    Nothing new there from the Tories, Mike. In the late-sixties the Aberdeen-based Evening Express (Gove’s old blat), inadvertently told us that Churchill had, according to the dispensing records of a chemist shop in Ballater that was closing down, “scored” cocaine during his sojourns at Balmoral. High Tories – splendid title.

  4. Jo says:

    Breaking News…. Ruthie’s backing Sajid Javid.

    1. allan thomson says:

      Did she say for how long?

      1. Jo says:



  5. Jo-Anne says:

    … fine Moroccan black ?

    In my fifty years of cannabis appreciation, the only black Moroccan I ever came across was that god-awful “soap bar” that flooded the market in the 90s. There was nothing “fine” about it and the only thing that made it black was the rubbish it was cut with — diesel oil or camel dung or whatever. The wonderful, summery fine Moroccan was always green, and sadly (like the even more wonderful red Leb) I have not seen it in years. Sic transit dopia mundi.

    1. I think I meant Afghan Black. : (

  6. w.b. robertson says:

    my old granddad smoked “thick black” purchased from the Co-op. never saw him high…

  7. SleepingDog says:

    Does anyone believe these are really the worst offences these people have committed? There must be a significant body count and lifelong trauma from initiation rites to their various societies alone.
    Or the extreme abuse handed out particulary at private boarding schools that seems regularly to meet international standards for torture.

    It makes you wonder if one confession to pauper-offing slipped out (or was slipped in), would the rest rush to fill in their public scorecard?

    Why not simply ask them if they have ever tortured, raped or killed anyone? Perhaps in a context that suggests this could be a vote-winner. Judging by a few petitions I’ve skimmed, there’s apathy about drug-tests for MPs.

Help keep our journalism independent

We don’t take any advertising, we don’t hide behind a pay wall and we don’t keep harassing you for crowd-funding. We’re entirely dependent on our readers to support us.

Subscribe to regular bella in your inbox

Don’t miss a single article. Enter your email address on our subscribe page by clicking the button below. It is completely free and you can easily unsubscribe at any time.