Who is the Worst Secretary of State for Scotland Ever?

The question isn’t as abstract as you might think. Since Bruce Millan (Labour, 1976-1979), the Secretaries of State for Scotland have been: George Younger (Conservative, 1979-1986); Malcolm Rifkind (Conservative 1986-1990); Ian Lang (Conservative, 1990-1995); Michael Forsyth (Conservative, 1995-1997); Donald Dewar (Labour, 1997-1999); John Reid (Labour, 1999-2001); Helen Liddell (Labour, 2001-2003); Alistair Darling (Labour, 2003-2006); Douglas Alexander (Labour, 2006-2007); Des Browne (Labour, 2007-2008); Jim Murphy (Labour, 2008-2010); Danny Alexander (2010-2010; Michael Moore (Liberal Democrat, 2010-2013); Alistair Carmichael (Liberal Democrat, 2013-2015); David Mundell (Conservative, 2015-2019); Alister Jack (Conservative 2019- ).

While there is a strong case for Michael Forsyth, who prowled the country like an oleaginous sith, or Malcolm Rifkind, who ruled with a sort of sinister patrician aura, and both were despised as representatives of Thatcherism, they were at the very least, noticeable. Most of the occupants of the office are just non-entities, often representative of a party that the country has rejected. Who for example remembers Des Browne’s time in the post?

If Forsyth was responsible for the Stone of Destiny wheeze, and Rifkind presided over the introduction of the Poll-Tax, and Donald Dewar engineered devolution, most of them just do nothing at all. Only Tom Johnstone, Labours post-war pioneering figure is revered and remembered in the post, being responsible for developing Scottish Hydro (‘power to the glens’) and much much more. But if Johnstone actually did stuff, his activity points to the general state of inactivity.

But the title of the very worst Scottish Secretary should surely go to someone in the post-1999 settlement, after which the title became largely redundant. After devolution, the powers of the Scottish Office were divided, with most transferred to the Scottish Government or to other UK government departments, leaving only a very limited role for the Scottish Secretary. In fact from 2003 the holder of the office also held another Cabinet post concurrently, making it basically a part-time job.

Hilariously, the UK government’s website lists the secretary of state for Scotland’s responsibilities as being: “The main role of the Scottish Secretary is to promote and protect the devolution settlement. Other responsibilities include promoting partnership between the UK Government and the Scottish Government, and relations between the two Parliaments.” I mean, come on.

The Secretary of State also holds “Scotland Questions on the first Wednesday of every month at Westminster between 11:30 am and 12 noon, when any Member of Parliament can ask a question on any matter relating to Scotland.”

That’s not a job, is it?

So if we are looking at post-1999 contenders the following are up for the award: John Reid; Helen Liddell; Alistair Darling; Douglas Alexander; Des Browne; Jim Murphy; Danny Alexander; Michael Moore; Alistair Carmichael; David Mundell; or Alister Jack.

John Reid was memorably described by Henry McLeish as a “liability” and a “patronising bastard”, and his career was marked by an expenses scandal and his full-page advert in the Scottish Catholic Observer encouraging readers to vote against Scottish independence (the advert failed to state who had paid for it, which is a breach of Electoral Commission rules), but his time in office was unremarkable. Helen Liddell used her time in post to brush up on her French, earning her the title “Helen Do Little”. Everyone kept saying that Douglas Alexander (and sister Wendy) had “huge intellects” but no-one can remember a single thing he did, apart from repay some expenses and botch the 2007 Scottish elections. Des Browne; Jim Murphy; Danny Alexander; Michael Moore were all completely ineffectual. Alistair Carmichael was a liar. That leaves Fluffy or Alister Jack.

But in a competitive group – where the defining characteristic is having no defining characteristic – the winner is our current leader, Alister Jack. I don’t know whether it’s an aristocratic in-breeding thing but he seems thick to the point of it being worrying. In a sea of non-entities he stands-out for sheer uselessness. He is in-effect an NPC (Non Playable Character) – an anonymous glitch. He is the Normie’s Normie, a vacuous non-person. While other holders of the title were sleekit, useless, cunning or duplicitous, Jack is famous for just being a human void.

Comments (17)

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  1. Robert Allan says:

    Brilliant article. Nature abhors a vacuum – so even nature thinks A. Jack is a waste of space?

    1. Derek says:

      A jack is a useful thing if you have a wheel to change.

      Rifkind/Lang/Forsyth were the ones imposing thatcher upon me when I was a yoof.

  2. Graeme McCormick says:

    he must have some redeeming features?

    No, you are right!

  3. SleepingDog says:

    Nice to see some gaming terminology making its way into a Bella article.

    Given the topical discussion, I looked up who was Secretary of State for Scotland at the time that a Robert Burns postage stamp was rejected for the poet’s Bicentennial celebrations, finding this short Commons discussion from Hansard:
    https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1958/mar/11/robert-burns-bi-centenary-celebrations
    Apparently the SoSfS during 1958 was John Maclay, 1st Viscount Muirshiel. The ‘reactionary Postmaster-General’ mentioned in the debate appears to be Alfred Ernest Marples (aka Baron Marples) who months after being ennobled fled the country, doing a runner to Monte Carlo to avoid paying 30 years of overdue tax, if what I gleaned from his Wikipedia page is accurate. Apparently his reactions were quick enough to avoid our plodding law enforcement, then.

    One point I’d like to make about (corrupt) politicians in the UK is that we, the public, are often unaware of the full extent of their crimes/vices/personality defects until many years/decades later, if then, due to official secrecy, D-notices and whatever. Will subsequent revelations fill in the void that is Alister Jack’s incumbency? Keeping all these sleaze articles up to date could be full-time employment.

    1. Wee Walker says:

      Ernest Marples was also Minister for Transport in the MacMillan government. He was responsible for Beeching and the rail closures which followed.
      So instead of going by rail freight went by road. It just so happened that the Marples family owned a freight lorry company.

      1. Good story, hadnt heard that

  4. JP58 says:

    The Secretary of State post is just a nameplate post Devolution and should be abolished.
    The First Minister is the democratically elected political ‘leader’ of Scotland and as such should be the person that represents Scottish interests to Westminster. Same applies to Wales.
    The list of nonentities above proves my point.

    1. ben madigan says:

      @JP5826th January 2023 at 5:35 pm who said
      “The Secretary of State post is just a nameplate post Devolution and should be abolished”
      Beg to disagree
      “The Secretary of State post is essential post Devolution to show who’s Boss and will never be abolished” – until and unless Independence is achieved!

  5. David says:

    I largely agree with you – especially with regard to Alister Jack of course – but I think you’re maybe being slightly unfair on Malcolm Rifkind who made a positive contribution to criminal justice policy, and Michael Moore, who criticised his own party’s tuition fees betrayal and worked with the Scottish government on the referendum agreement

  6. James Gibb says:

    How can anyone pick the most useless from that lot of nonenties

  7. Squigglypen says:

    Remind me…did the Sovereign people of Scotland vote Ally Unionjack in to tell the Sassenachs what we think?..or is this another uk government wheeze…with lemon tea for afters chaps. If not let’s boot him over the border tae where he belongs?

    Interesting article…now tak’ yer Castor oil…an’ I’m puttin’ ye forward fur a gong.

    … off to look up ‘oleaginous sith’….ye learn sumpin’ everyday.
    Don’t forget ………UDI ..then we won’t have to put up with excrement like Ally Unionjack…..
    For Scotland!

  8. Iain Black says:

    I agree entirely about Alister Jack but I get fed up of people describing him as aristocratic. He ain’t… From farming stock maybe but his ineptitude cannot be ascribed to aristocratic inbreeding.

    1. BSA says:

      Indeed. His tweeds are far too new. He’s the MP for The House of Bruar, and a farmer gentrified by the subsidies.

      1. Derek Cameron says:

        Spot on. HIs thing is renting out big tents .

    2. Didn’t know that Iain, thanks

  9. Robbie says:

    All which proves he’s the Perfect man for The Job .

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