Vendetta

We are profiling new and upcoming writers in fiction, short stories and poetry, in Scots, English and Gaelic. This is an extract from Colin Burnett’s Vendetta, from his Medium. Colin Burnett has written two novels, A Working Class State of Mind and Who’s Aldo. He’s written extensively for newspapers and has been nominated for Scots Media Person of the Year (2021) and Scots Writer of the Year (2022). 

Noo that it’s sat doon oan ma desk, stacked wae aw the trimmins. Alongside a collection ae golden crispy fries and a delicious thick chocolate milkshake. Ah somehow cannae lose the feelin that this culinary masterpiece belongs as the focal point ae The Tate Modern. The heavenly smell drifitin tae ma nose is enough fur me tae blank oot the fact a few members ae ma crew are settled puffin ciggies nearby. Each ae thum drinkin whiskey aroond a caird table. Yin peek in their direction and ah cloack Nicky Boay emptin another paper bag filled wae a mix salad ae notes in the middle ae the hing. Nate and Ryan are dain the donkeywork coontin the money. Expertly wrappin the stacks intae grand bundles, yaisin elastic bands. There’s certainly perks tae runnin an ootfit who are the ringmaster fur aw the crims and undesirables in Edinburgh and Lothians. The music ae David Kusher echos throughoot the room while ah lift the burger up wae baith hands and ah cannae clean awey the smile oaff ma puss. The first bite hus me basically spunkin in ma boaxers. But then again, the musty smell ae Markie’s authentic Cuban cigar hits me wae baith barrels. As he puffs awey at the desk nixt tae mines whilst he’s absorbed readin a newspaper. Ah finally start tae munch this cheeseburger, closin ma eyes before ah hum and chew.

Nate instantly laughs, ‘’That’s gid, Aldo, ah take it?” He sarcastically remarks.

‘’That’s pittin it mildly, mate’’ ah tell him, ma mooth full. ‘’Back haime ah’ve been livin oan the national diet ae fuckin North Korea. Trust me, eh? if ma ticker packed in right noo? Then ah wid die a very happy man’’

He shakes his heid wae a smile. Swiftly gittin back tae work, masterfully tallyin up the moolah. The prick operates quicker than yin ae they fancy banknote coontin machines yae see in the true crime Hollywood films. Fuckin amazes how maist ae these lads didnae leave high school wae sae much as a standard grade tae their name. Yit maire moneys passed through their hands than a CEO at a fortune five hunner company. Ah refocus by sinkin ma teeth intae the bun wae shredded lettuce and ketchup leakin oot the hing oantae the desk. Within a matter ae a few large bites ah kick back in the chair. Utterly satisfied that ma growlin stomachs demands huv been met. There’s no sae much as a crumb left fur the vultures. Efter ah’m done ah pick up the napkin. Wipin ma tomatae sauce covered mush. Before clearin up the dollop’s ae spillage oan ma workspace.

Ma eatin habits huv clearly goat Markie hinkin as he slowly lowers his tabloid ‘’Ah dinnae ken if you should be eatin that, Aldo? it says here there’s five million sacred cows in India’’

Ah pick up ma milkshake and take a long cauld drink as ah try tae decipher his point. Unable tae fathom why he’s barkin up ma tree ‘’But ah’m no in fuckin India’’ ah tell him. ‘’Why the fuck wid ah care?

Efter digestin ma answer, he lays the paper doon oan his desk. Carefully positionin his cigar at the edge ae the ashtray. He then briskly scans the other lads wae a slight grin as they seem invested in this conversation as well.

‘’Well’’ he says, nervously scratchin his heid. ‘’It’s jist you’re…you’’

Ah stare at him, completely fried, until suddenly ah see the light, ‘’Oh, ah git yae. You hink ah’m a fuckin Paki? Be honest, mate? ah’ll no git mad’’

He takes a swig ae his scotch fur some Dutch courage ‘’Ah dinnae hink ah wid quite pit it like that. But…Aye’’

Ah sink intae ma seat, makin masel comfy, ‘’Listen’’ ah chuckle. ‘’How long you’s kent me, eh? born in Scotland, bred in Leith, that’s me, eh? Fuckin India?. Donks ago me and Bruce watched this travel show oan the BBC aboot some unfortunate bastard visitin there. Ah’m tellin yae, eh? it’s yin big fuckin asylum. Millions ae the cunts saunterin aboot the streets. Plus, yae hink the filth’s goat problems wae they mutants oan motorbikes in Pilton. Acroass there it’s like fuckin robot wars oan their roads and the motors are fuckin endless. Me and Brucie hud tae cling oantae each other fur an hour efter watchin that mindfuck. Ah mean, you’s ken how he gits in big crowds?’’

Markie points tae his paper again, hammerin haime his point. ‘’Ah’m jist sayin, mate. Apparently acroass in India Roland Macdonald wid face war crimes. Cunts there it wid seem worship fuckin cows’’

‘’Yae ken what ah caw that?’’ ah say, takin another sip ae ma shake. ‘’Fuckin certifiable. The only decent cow comes wae a milkshake and fries oan the side. Noo, a dug ah wid git. They’ve goat personality, a bit charisma, ken what ah mean?’’

Ice Pick Mike seated aroond the caird table throws himself intae this near heated discussion, ‘’Yae mean, dugs like Bruce? Aye?’’

Ah instantly explode in a fit ae hysterics. Ma face planted oan the desk as ah bang ma fist oan it. Tears streamin doon ma cheeks before ah lift ma melon up tae peer in his direction.

‘’You hink Bruce is a dug?’’

‘’He wis the last time ah checked’’ he shoots back, appearin gazumped.

‘’How many times, lads’’ ah tell thum. ‘’He’s an angel amongst mortals’’

In sync they drone and haw taegether as if they’re some barbershoap quartet ‘’Oh, no this again’’

Ah begin foaldin ma airms oan the table, facin oaff wae thum, ‘’You’s kin remember what ah wis like before he came intae in ma life?. Ah smashed any cunt in ma wey and ah didnae care who ah fucked oor tae git what ah wanted’’

Markie relights his stogie, takin a few cautious puffs. He then, yit again, rests it doon in the ashtray, ‘’So, what’s changed?

Ah hink aboot his remark briefly, ‘’Well’’ ah tell him ‘’Nuttin really, ah suppose. Ah guess it’s a frame ae mind hing, eh? Kennin ah’ve goat a higher power tae answer tae. And ah’m no talkin aboot Allah or fuckin Jesus.’’

This chatter wraps up yince ma mobile which is positioned oan toap ae some paperwork starts goin oaff. Yin quick gander at the screen leaves me maire than a tad surprised cos it’s nane other than ma faithur. Bloody hell, likes. It’s hard enough gittin hert tae hert oaff the groond wae him in person. Never mind him seekin yin oot through his pet hate, modern technology. Pickin up the cell ah swipe the screen, pittin it straight tae ma ear.

‘’Awright da?’’ ah say. ‘’What’s up?’’

‘His urgent and panicky voice ripples through the other end. And ah immediately encourage him tae take a breath so ah kin work oot exactly what he’s gittin at. In due course his speech becomes clearer and maire precise yince he declares

‘’Son it’s yur mother. There’s been an incident at the restaurant. Git yursel oor here as soon as yae kin’’

‘’Ah’m oan ma wey right noo’’ ah state. Dain ma best tae reassure him as ah shoot straight up fae ma seat.

Ma traumatised puss must tell it’s ain story cos aw the lads sing the same tune ae ‘’Everyhing awright, Aldo?’’

‘’Ah deh ken yit’’ ah tell thum, stuffin the phone intae ma jaicket poacket. ‘’But she’ll keep yaise posted’’

Ah then find massel staggerin oot the oaffice wae ma temple throbbin and ma heid spinnin in aw soarts ae different directions.

Ma hands firmly grip the steerin ae ma motor enterin Porty. Aw ma concentration levels zone in oan the place which is located jist oaff the high street. The alarmin sight ae black smoke belchin intae the skyline fae their location directs a crushin right hander intae the pit ae ma gut. Ah’m awready droonin in the worse-case scenarios playin oot inside ma heid. Rapidly the bar is raised when the blarin soonds ae fire engines reach ma lugs. At this very moment ah instinctively pit ma fit doon. Fur the second time this year ah’m beggin and pleadin fur a divine intervention tae ensure a positive ootcome. Yit, when two maire fire engines whizz past me, heidin straight fur their restaurant. Ah become paralysed by the hunch that ah’m gittin that thenight is gonnae be a complete livin hell. Suttin that only becomes clearer when ah turn the corner at the boattom ae the road. Where ah witness ma folks’ business bein transformed intae Guy Fawkes wet fuckin dream. The street is rammed full ae emergency services. Scores ae firefighters are attemptin tae tackle the smoulderin blaze. By the time ah’m breathin in the smoggy air ah’m left weighin up whether ah jist dissolved an acid tab oan ma tongue. This horror scene playin oot in front ae ma very eyes makes me hink that ah must be trippin oot ae ma nut. The adrenaline suddenly drives ma legs forward taewards the buildin. Ah claw ma wey through the mob ae locals who’ve gaithered. Sadly, though there nae sign ae ma parents. Right at the second that ah’m aboot tae start grabbin cunts by the scruff ae the neck tae demand answers. A rare change ae gid fortune faws in ma lap, however. When ah hear ma dad’s strong delivery speak up.

‘’Aldo, oor here, son!’’ it chime’s.

Yince ah miraculously execute Linda Blair’s heid spinner scene fae The Exorcist. Ah spy him wavin me acroass tae join him nixt tae a parked ambulance. He’s wearin an open collared blue jaicket and is stood tall at nearly 6’4. Him hoverin aboot ootside a shuttle bus tae the Royal sends electric shockwaves straight tae ma brain. And despite ma best efforts tae locate ma mother amongst the growin fanfare she’s soul crushingly absent fae the picture. Against the cloack ah shuffle through this lot until ah’m virtually nose tae nose wae ma auld man.

‘’Da’’ ah say ‘’What the hell happened? And where’s mum?’’

‘’She’s awrite, she’s awrite’’ he keeps repaetin. ‘’Jist a bit shooken up, is aw’’.

He then guides me tae the back ae the hoaspital wagon. As if tae say she’s waitin oan me. Still, ah cannae quite shift this naggin feelin and ma anxiety levels ensure mayhem commences in ma heid. Ma thoats immediately turn tae her by the time ah move aroond tae the rear when ah’m joined by ma da. Thankfully though she’s no strapped up tae some oxygen tank, gaspin fur air. Insteed, she’s jist sittin wae a blanket aroond her shoulders bein comforted by young Carol. She’s the pretty mediterranean lassie. In her mid twinties, wae long light broon hair and hazel eyes. This lass hus been oan the books ae ma folks fur a couple ae years noo and she pronto teases me wae a welcomin smile. Ah jist wish ma mum appeared as refreshed as her but she’s popped up unusually pale and confused. Probably sufferin fae PSTD efter watchin her ‘baby’ resemble Dante’s Inferno.

‘’Mum’’ ah say, wae sweaty palms ‘’You awrite? Wis it a faulty cooker or suttin that caused the fire?’’

She stares at me wae a vacant expression, still clearly rattled, ‘’Fifteen years of blood sweat and tears. All up in a puff of smoke. I’m just so relieved this happened when it was closed and that no-one was seriously hurt’’

Suddenly, a paramedic pushes past me and hops intae the hing and starts monitorin her pulse. Ah decide this isnae the right time tae push her any further fur answers. No wae her bein occupied wae a medical. Ah decide insteed that its best tae locate two far maire reliable testimonies through ma faithur and their waitress ae the month. It’s certainly no bypassed ma attention that ah’ve been tryin tae dig fur an explanation withoot a single lead bein thrown ma wey. Which makes me recognise a disturbance in the force. So, ah gesture fur they’m tae follae me.

Finally, when the three ae us are awey fae blarin soonds ae sirens and dafties ah seek oot their witness statements. Ah dinnae piss aboot and git right doon tae openin this investigation.

‘’Right, Da’’ ah assert, takin in his beaten doon appearance. ‘’What the hell happened here?’’

His eyes jist stare firmly tae the groond. He’s obviously unable or unwillin tae look me in the eye, ‘’Ah dunno, son. It could jist be faulty electrics. These hings do happen’’

Bein a fully qualified bull shit artist masel ah kin smell a lie fae ten paces awey. Whichever wey ah weigh up his statement, ah smell foul play. At the moment ah’m readyin tae adopt a far maire aggressive line ae questionin. Young Carol’s flowery vocals rolls a live grenade acroass the concrete when she makes a public statement. An opinion which leaves me wrestilin wae maire questions than answers.

‘’What if this has something to do with the graffiti, Mr Ali? You know? That horrible stuff that’s been sprayed on the restaurant’s walls?’’

His response comes through a piercin scowl in a desperate attempt tae shut her doon. The lassie is the victim ae some friendly fire and soon lapses intae bein a mute.

Grabbin ma da’s airm gently ah lit oaff a few live roonds, ‘’What fuckin Graffiti?’’ ah demand tae ken. ‘’Exactly what’s been written, likes?’’

He sighs heavily, ‘’Hings like Muslim free UK, Paki bastards, You’ll get yours, it’ll jist be kids actin oot’’

Ah struggle tae git ma words oot fast enough ah’m that taken aback by this bombshell, ‘’Yur tellin me you’s are bein targeted by fuckin racists!’’ ah deatonate, foamin fae the mooth. ‘’Why the hell is the first time ah’m hearin aboot this?

‘’Well’’ he replies, scratchin the back ae his neck. ‘’Yur mum didnae want tae bother yae. Yuv goat the girls and Bruce tae look efter. We’ve been sae proud ae yae fur finally settlin doon. Neither ae us wanted yae gittin intae trouble. Anwey, this isnae the first time we’ve experienced racism. It’ll aw settle doon soon enough’’

‘’Yae dinnae want tae bother me? Are yae fur real?’’ ah fizz. ‘’Fur fuck sake, da. You’s are victims ae hate crimes. Aw aye it looks like it’s calmed doon. Yur fuckin business hus jist hud a cremation. Fur the time bein you’s are steyin wae me and Rox. At least until ah ken fur sure everyhing is soarted, right?’’

‘’Okay, son’’ he utters. ‘’Ah’m gonnae check oan yur mother now. But please, dinnae git intae any bother? There’s nae proof this hus anyhing tae dae wae the fire’’.

Ah agree tae his stipulation but unfortunately fur him ah dinnae believe in coincidences. Eventually, when he scurries oaff tae keep ma mum company. Carol is still stood there. Sizin me up and her boady language screams that she’s goat suttin oan her mind.

‘’Is there suttin yae want tell me, Carol?’’

Slowly she produces a leaflet fae her trooser poacket and huds it oot which ah quickly swipe fae her grasp. ‘’I didn’t want to say anything in front of your parents. But there’s been a far-right group passing out flyers in the local pubs. I suspect these bastards might be behind those targeting your folk’s business’’

Ah thank her before ah make tracks tae locate ma motor. Ah’ve goat a few caws tae make cos if the fourth Reich want a war. Ah’ll make the Israelis seem like a shoe in fur a Nobel Peace Prize fur their human rights work in Gaza. When ah finally land inside the Range Rover ah produce ma mobile fae the glove’s boax. Ah quickly gie this toilet paper a quick read that’s filled wae this right wing pish, suttin that sends me tae piss blood.

Efter a few rings, Ryan picks up.

‘’Awright, Aldo’’ his cheery voice replies. ‘’Are yur folks awrite, man?

‘’Cut the chit chat, mate. Jist listen. Ma dad and mum’s restaurants been torched. And ah’ve jist been informed they’ve been targeted by this Nazi mob. They caw thumselves the UK Nationalist Alliance. Ah’ve goat it oan gid authority they’re gone aboot puntin leaflets acroass the local boozers. Ah want you and a couple ae the lads tae nab yin ae these jokers tae find oot if they’re behind aw the grief ma parents huv been gittin. The fire might hae nuttin tae dae wae this but ah need tae ken. And ah dinnae care what yaise need tae dae tae make thum talk, understood?

Ma amigo is clearly as stunned as me by this revelation, ‘’Fur fuck sake, man. Ah cannae believe what ah’m hearin here. Dinnae worry aboot it though, Aldo. We’ll git right oan the case’’

‘’And Ryan’’ ah tell him ‘’Dinnae send any yur minions tae soart this. Take Markie and you’s handle it personally and discreetly. Yuv goat forty-eight hours’’

Two days ago, Fireman Sam spent an hour and a half gittin the blaze under control. The great fire ae Portabelly some are awready fuckin cawin it. Ma parents hud tae pitch their tents at oors, likes. And tae ma relief, they’re handlin the hale sorry mess better than expected. Cannae lie, though. It seems ah’ve pit their newly developed sense ae optimism in a rather dire situation. Aw doon tae me revealin tae thum the fire inspector’s opinion. Accordin tae this pencil pusher the hing originated fae a deep fryer left oan. Says it wis filled tae the brim wae cookin oil. Aw ae this despite ma parent’s personal guarantees that they check and double check aw their appliances are cloacked oaff the minute the doors are loacked. No that they pushed the matter any further since the insurance company cannae envision any hiccups in their claim. Me, oan the other hand? ah’m still a firm believer that there’s nae smoke withoot fire. Nae question this ‘accident’ hus a great big fuckin swastika attached tae it. Since Jen and Bruce are walkin oan water gittin tae spend some face time wae their grandparent’s ah encouraged ma folks tae stey oan fur a bit longer. No that ah needed tae twist their airms, likes. No since ma two youngsters are very much the apple ae their eyes. This will gie me enough space tae conclude ma ain personal investigation intae this matter. Which is why ah’m plonked yit again behind ma desk at The Marksman. The caw came in earlier tae say ma boays roonded up yin ae the extras fae Romper Stomper. Which is why ah’m waitin oan Ryan tae report back the findings ae their interrogation. Cunt should be along shoartly tae confirm whether or no ah should be reachin fur ma huntin rifle.

Punctually, he comes driftin intae the office, closin the door behind him. He then heids ma wey, stickin his hand oot. Ah dually pop up fae ma chair and shake it.

‘’Gaffer, how’s yur folks huddin up?’’ he quizes me.

‘’As well as kin be expected, mate’’ ah tell him ‘’Take a seat’’

Yince, he takes his jaicket oaff and drapes it acroass the back ae the seat. He slumps doon and we git straight tae the business at hand.

‘’So’’ ah say, takin a sip ae ma single malt. ‘’What did that fuckin vermin huv tae say aboot ma folks? Are we heidin fur a war, or no?’’

He looks almost nervous. Anxiously rubbin his paws tagether, ‘’It’s no gid, Aldo’’ he mutters. Aw tense n that. ‘’Yur right, eh? These fuckin nazi’s are behind the attacks oan yur parent’s place. It wis a scare tactic tae pit the frighters oan them tae sell up’’

‘’Cunts!’’ ah scream, bangin ma fist hard oan the widden desk. ‘’Ah fuckin knew it. What else did yae find oot aboot this firm?’’

He rummages aboot the inside ae his coat and retrieves a notepad and starts tae gee me the rundoon, ‘’Fae the intel ah’ve gaithered. This UK Nationalist Alliance is heided up by some coked up fanatic cawed Adam Williams. Cunts fae Luton. Yuv probably seen the lowlife puffin his chist oot the boax. Anywey, accordin tae oor friend fae the other night he’s decided tae open up shoap here tae. In fact, the cunt’s up here right noo tae personally oversee the recruitment drive. We goat aw the names ae the scumbags involved in targetin the restaurant. What dae yae wants us tae dae aboot the yins he gave up?’’

‘’Ah want yae tae send thum a bill fur aw the damage they caused. What the fuck dae yae hink ah want done, eh? They’ve goat tae disappear but quietly withoot settin oaff any alarm bells. Um ah clear?

‘’Considered it done’’ he instantly fires back. He then leans forward and almost at whisper, utters ‘’Eh, what aboot this Williams prick? He’s goat thoosands ae followers doon south. Gittin tae him might gee too much exposure’’

Ah git tae ma feet withoot speakin a word and make ma wey acroass tae the drinks cabinet setup in the corner.

‘’Drink?’’ ah ask him, huddin ma tumbler in the air.

He passes up ma offer yince he glimpses at his watch, ‘’Nah, Ah’m gid. Thanks, anywey, though’’

Ah pour masel a refill and take a swig fae this single malt. When ah retake ma seat ah decide this is the proper opportunity tae lay oot ma plan fur the SS hierarchy.

Ah lean back in ma imposin chair. Takin a deep breath before ah git this show oan the road.

‘’Thankfully’’ ah say ‘’The authorities are nane the wiser aboot any ae this. Ma mum apparently never reported the graffiti. Plus, ah’ve goat written confirmation that the fire inspector is a useless bastard. Which gies us a clear run at this mob. So, tell me, eh? apart fae this Williams, who’s their shot callers?’’

Ryan ponders ma question fur a moment. Then rapidly confers wae his notepad again until he leans forward wae his elbows restin oan the polished wid.

‘’Fae what ah’ve gaithered there’s two other toap boays. Baith ae thum are behind the wah dain a stretch. This mutt cawed Eddy Harris is in Belmarsh fur runnin racist websites. Encouragin these brainless bastards tae hit the streets. This other yin, Paul McNeil, he’s dain his bit in Brixton fur terror offences. That might pit thum oot oor reach?’’

A long pause ensues when ah pinch ma gless and quickly finish oaff this liquid gold. Ah blaze him wae an aw kennin smile.

‘’It’s fuckin perfect, mate’’ ah happily announce. ‘’The last hing ah want is tae turn these fuds intae martyrs. Oor fingerprints cannae be anywhere near this. Pit a caw intae the Di Marco brothers in London. They wear the crown doon there. Tell thum ah’m cawin in ma marker, they’ll ken what yae mean. Explain the situation and make it clear ah want these pair ae wankers dealt wae ASAP. It cannae look like what it is, though. Ah mean, cunts hang thumselves every day in the jail, eh?

Ryan copies and pastes the image ae someboady who’s jist discovered the wheel. Noddin along in agreement, proud as punch. ‘’Smart, very smart Aldo’’ he says ‘’What aboot Williams, though? Surely, he’ll run back doon south. The very sec his guys up here start appearin oan missin person posters?

‘’Ah’m bankin oan it, mate’’ ah gladly cheese. ‘’That’s why yae tell the brother’s tae keep their powder dry efter they finished phase yin. Williams is the yin who started this cycle ae mayhem. So, he needs tae faw. This prick might suspect he’s gittin targeted. He’ll ken but he willnae ken if yae git ma drift? Ah reckon him gittin popped oan his ain patch is maire understandable, eh? A white man pulls the trigger they’ll probably jist pit it doon tae an internal beef’’

He pulls himself up and flings his coat back oan. Aw the while declarin, ‘’Ah’ll make the caw right awey, Aldo’’.

He then walks awey taewards the door but turns back withoot a warnin. A few paces later and ah’m left a little surprised starin in his direction again.

‘’Yin maire hing, boss’’ he squeals, wavin his finger in the air. ‘’That fucker we pit the screws tae the other night. He telt us this Williams hus broat along his chief attack dug. Some ex airmy psychopath cawed Matty Smith. A proper heidcase by aw accoonts. He keeps the young recruits in line in case they hae a wobble. Yae want ah’ll pit a couple ae the lads oan him?

Ah fidget wae a pen laid oot oan polished wid ‘’Nah?’’ ah say. ‘’Leave GI Joe tae me. You’s jist focus oan scorin the names oaff that list. And ah wis meanin tae ask, by the wey? What happened wae the boay you’s nabbed? Ah might hae yin or two questions fur him masel’’

Ryan basically develops a bright rid beamer at ma question. He’s almost appearin mortified, ‘’Markie thoat he cooked him medium rare’’

Yin week comes and goes in a complete blur. Oan the upside these Sieg Heil fucks expansion north ae the border hus hit a roadblock. Mainly due tae the fact the mutans they plucked oot ae the local gene pool huv been performin vanishin acts. Luckily, there’s nae brain surgeons amongst their rank and file. Which meant it didnae take a PI tae locate thum. Truthfully, their recruitment policy evidently faws under bein loud moothed and brainless, Uneducated forty-year auld virgins wae a boulder oan their shoulder. Hardly the types ae vermin anyboady wid light a candle fur yince they disappear intae the night. In any case, ma lads are true professionals. Even they smart erses fae CSI widnae git a sniff yince they abracadabra a corpse. Since the fuckin suicide kings’ responsible fur targettin ma folks are safely tucked up under several feet ae cement. Hittin this mickey moose version ae the Aryan brotherhood is producin positive results. Which brings me tae this bloack ae cooncil flats in West Pilton avenue. A cheeky doobie earlier hus goat me starin ootside the car widnae wae ma philosophical cap oan ma heid. These cooncil schemes are similar tae masel, misunderstood. The fuckin politicians throw families intae rat infested gaffs. Nae decoratin budget and white goods straight fae Del Boay’s garage. While universal credit lines their poackets wae enough cash tae barely keep their cat in litter fur a week. And the natives are expected tae boonce aroond as if their lives are yin big Mari Gras. Nae wonder the youngsters find thumselves yaisin their free bus passes tae kill the boredom. Otherwise, what’s the alternative, eh? puff some spice and drift intae a drug fuelled psychotic episode. When in reality such places are rammed wae decent hard workin folk. Along wae young yins who jist need tae remember how tae aspire.

Ma mind quickly coasts back tae the matter at hand. Ah jump oot the car, grippin a white cake boax, and ah slam the door hard. When ah eventually reach the entrance ah zap the buzzer fur flat 8 and yince the intercom is answered ah state ‘’It’s me’’.

The door unloacks, inside the stairway is dingy and poorly lit. The fuckin elevator is null and void. Ma legs take me oan a hike up four flights ae stairs tae the front door. Efter two loud knoacks oan the hing the door creaks open. Ryan is stood there advertisin his latest lenses fae Specsavers wearin a rather sharp navy shirt.

‘’Markies in the livin room wae the little prick. First doon oan yur right, Aldo’’ he says, steppin aside tae lit me in. When ah enter his cautious voice utters ‘’Hae a look aroond first though, Aldo. There’s suttin that ah hink might interest yae’’

His intrguin comment doesnae git a chance tae sink in since a breeze ae heat raps me acroass the puss. ‘’Awfae fuckin peculiar’’ ah convince masel. Since there’s a cauld nip in the air ootside. Fur Christ’s sake, ah’m no kiddin, Ah’m left wonderin whether ah’ve jist hopped inside yin ae those sunbeds Roxy enjoys. Whether ah’m turnin intae a sweaty mess or no ah relent by takin a viewin aroond this gaff. Ryan maintains his position standin guard near the front door. Allowin me tae take in this filthy hallwey. Actually, that’s a fuckin understatement wae the dark grey cairpet appearin as if it’s never been introduced tae a hoover before. Dirt covers the wahs and piles ae unwashed claithes are stacked a metre high at the side. The bonus point bein the reekin smell ae stale piss waftin oaff every inch ae this glorified squat. An odd sight quickly lures ma attention awey fae the carnage when ah examine some DIY wirin system. Cables run through holes in the wahs and they appear tae lead tae a room at the end ae the hallwey. Ah follae the trail further and further intae the hoose .Yince ah push the hing wide open ah’m left regrettin no comin equipped wae a pair ae sunglasses cos the light is absolutely blindin. When ma eyebaws adjust tae the brightness an endless stream ae Ganja plants cover the flair. Aw the windaes huv been blacked oot wae tape. Unexpectedly, ah find masel frantically blinkin six or seven times. As if ah’ve jist discovered a pot ae gold at the end ae the rainbow. Evidently, this is what Ryan wis hintin at earlier and as soon as ah heid back through ah blast him wae a sly smirk before ah slide inside the scene ae the croass-examination.

Unremarkably, when ah walk inside ah find this young lad who’s mibbie in his early twenties sittin in a chair in the middle ae the flair. Perr wee sod is badly bruised, bloodstained and is shittin himself wae Markie lurkin behind him.

‘’This is the little fucker here, Aldo’’ his thunderous tone announces, clippin the young yin oor the heid.

‘’Take it easy, Markie’’ ah discipline him ‘’Kin yae noo see yur terrifin the wee cub?’’

Right awey he pits his hands up, aw apologetically, backin oaff. Thoatfully, a widden chair hus been specially prepared fur ma arrival. Positioned right opposite the lad in question. Ah place the boax ah’m cairyin doon at the side ae the chair. Before ah whip ma jaicket oaff and cover it oor the seat. Yince ah’m plonked ah assess the damage inflicted oan the wee man and it’s clear they’ve gave him a rough time. His right eye is completely swollen shut and aw oor his mug is covered in bruises and cuts. He’s only half conscious and ah’m less than convinced he even kens that ah’m starin straight at him.

Tryin ma best no tae laugh as ah scan the room. Anywhere, ah cast ma eyes aw ah kin see is a total tip. Beer boattles and overflowin ashtrays lay scattered everywhere. Dinner plates are left oot wae grub still welded tae thum. And a maire fittin haime fur the cheap tat he caws furniture wid be a landfill.

‘’Eh, whoever said Crime doesnae pey, eh?’’ ah chirp, half laughin. ‘’This shitehole jist goes tae show how fuckin right they are’’. Poppin the giggles prompts even the normally stoned faced Markie tae brek character. Who seems fair amused by ma patter. Regrettably, however, oor host doesnae see the funny side but shows signs ae life when he sings a tune.

‘’Please, Mr Ali. Ah hud nuttin tae dae wae yur parents’ attack. You huv tae believe me’’ his youthful voice presses.

Ah pull ma chair slightly closer tae him, ’Dinnae worry, son’’ ah comfort him, reachin oor tae gently tap him oan the leg. ‘’Ah ken that. And dinnae look sae nervous. Ah’m gonnae ask yae a couple ae simple questions. Aw yae need tae dae is answer thum truthfully. Then ah’ll cut yae loose, okay? kin yae dae that fur me Patrick?’’

He raises his hand and wipes some blood fae the corner ae his mooth, ‘’Anyhing. Mr Ali. Ah’ll tell yae anyhing you want tae know?’’

‘’Gid man’’ ah tell him, winkin his wey. ‘’Bein fae Pilton ah’m guessin yuv heard aw the nasty stories aboot ma reputation. In reality ah’m actually a very forgivin person. Yur people target ma folks and ah dinnae take such hings personally. Ah hope yae dinnae mind me askin this? Ah’m jist curious, Dae yae really buy intae that rightwing pish that Williams spouts? Ken? immigrants are tae blame fur everhing fae climate change doon tae price ae butter?’’

His pulped puss stares straight at me, ‘’Tae be honest, Mr Ali. Ah’m startin tae huv serious doubts aboot his philosophy’

Ma eyebrows raise in disbelief at his revelation, ‘’Really?’’

He faintly beams, ’Yeah, ah’m getting the impression he’s pissed off the wrong person’’

A big cheesy smile slowly spreads acroass ma puss and ah find masel burstin intae laughter, slappin ma thigh. ‘You’re Witty, ah like that. Ah reckon me and you will become good pals, eh? And caw me Aldo, son. Listen, ah kin see yur a nice kid. Yuv jist fell in wae a bad element’’. Ah then peer oor his skinny shoulder tae ma pitbull ‘’Shit, we kin relate tae that ay Markie?’’

He lits loose a loud cackle while ah rummage aboot in ma coat poacket tae fetch ma clipper and ciggie packet. Yince they’re foond ah spark up, takin a few causal draws. Before ah hud oot thum oot taewards the young lad

‘’Smoke?’’ ah probe him, wae the ciggie hangin fae ma mooth.

‘’No, Thanks’ he responds, the little might is visibly shakin like a leaf.

Ah pit the packet and lighter back in their rightful place. ‘’So’’ ah say, takin a few maire deep drags. ‘’What kin yae tell me aboot this William’s whereaboots?

A worried expression overcomes his smashed up innocent coupon and his eyes seem frenzied, ’Ah honestly don’t know where he is. He became very paranoid when his recruits aroond here stopped checkin in with him. That’s why he went back doon tae England, that’s all ah know. Ah swear tae god.’’ Before he fires a warnin at me, ’You should know, though. His guy Matty Smith who’s ex special forces is here. The guy is a complete psycho. He’ll come lookin for you’’

‘’Soonds serious’’ ah remark, tryin ma best tae come oaff concerned. ‘’You know what? Ah hink we should ask this fella what’s he’s goat planned fur me’’

His swollen puss appears stumped, unsure if he picked me up correctly, “What dae you mean?’’ he quivers.

Ah rise up tae stub oot ma ciggie oot in the gless ashtray rested oan the coffee table. When ah recover ma original spoat ah scoop up the boax positioned oan the flair and ah place it oan ma lap. Slowly, ah begin openin the hing and ah kin feel the boay’s eyes intensely fixed oan what ah’m aboot tae reveal. And yince the contents are finally gien awey. He covers his mooth wae his hand,’’ Ah hink ah’m goin tae be sick’’ the young yin yelps. Understandable, since it’s nane other than the decapitated heid ae their man, Matty. Barely recognizable due tae it bein severely smashed up.

‘’Ma man sunshine caught up wae this fucker’’ ah confess, glancin at the mutilated loaf. ‘’Apparently, he foond God jist before the machete came doon. Beggin and prayin tae the heavens fur his miserable fuckin life, so he wis’’,

Ah close it up and pit it awey. Seein that this Patrick is a little queasy. Promptly plumpin it back where it came fae. Ah find masel huvin tae snap ma fingers tae git his attention. The youngster’s mind hus drifted intae deep space in utter shock and he’s sweatin profusely wae a skin complextion ae the fuckin Hulk. Eventually, he drifts back intae the present. And, impressively, he somehow manages the muster the strength tae lock eyes wae me. Whilst strikingly huddin ma gaze.

‘’Listen, son’ ah educate him. ‘’Assume that question ah asked earlier aboot William’s location is hypothetical. Assume ah awready ken you wur the yin who drove him back doon south. Ma guy Sunshine is an artist in loosenin tongues. Yur boay Matty wis the yin who fingered you tae us. Ah jist need tae ken where yae droapped Williams oaff, that’s aw?’’

‘’Shit!’’ he screams, wae rancid spit flyin everywhere. ‘’Okay…Okay… He goat me tae drive him tae London. Ah dropped him oaff at Sloane Square in Chelsea. He’s convinced someone is after him and wanted to lie low for a bit until everyhing cooled down. He has lots ae rich friends who support the cause. He felt no-one would try anyhing in a high-profile area. That’s all ah know, ah promise. So, will you let me go nowcthen, please?’’

‘’Yur a gid kid’’ ah make known, risin tae ma feet. When ah fling ma jaicket back oan ah walk oor tae him. Restin ma paw oan his shoulder. ‘’Yin final question before yae kin go, son. If you wur there when they made ma parents life a livin hell. What wid yae huv done?’’

A question that leaves him closed moothed, since we baith awready ken the answer . ‘’That’s what ah thoat’’ ah say . ‘’Markie? Dae this prick a favour and pit him oot his misery, eh?’’

The pup’s pleas fur mercy dinnae git a chance tae leave his gub. Cos Markie quickly whips a plastic bag oor his heid and gits tae work suffocatin him. As ah leave the room ah kin hear the young yin fightin and scratchin fur his life. Honestly, though Brock Lesnar widnae git much change oot a tussle wae, Markie. Never mind some runt wae the muscle mass ae a fuckin AIDS victim

Back in the hallwey, Ryan’s jist wrappin up a caw oan his iPhone, ’Ah’ll tell him’’ he says, tae whoever’s at the other end ae the line. He then turns tae face me, grippin his mobile in his hand.

‘’That wis Louie Di Marco, gaffer’ he says. ‘’If anyboady wants tae contact that William’s pair ae mutts inside then they’ll need a fuckin Ouija board. It wis handled cleanly like yae wanted, though. What’s oor nixt move?’’

Ah ruminate this piece ae info, ‘’That quick, eh?…We’ll take that. Listen bud, ah want you tae help Markie clean up the mess through there. Phone a couple ae the lads and git thum tae bag up the Ganja. Frankie and his troops at the Inch will take the lot’’

‘’Consider it done’’ he says, removin his specs tae rub his eyes ‘’So, what aboot Williams?’’

‘’Deal wae him later. But ring up oor Cockney pals’’ ah command him. ‘’Say it’s been confirmed that the snake is hidin somewhere in Chelsea and ah want him foond quickly’’

‘’Then what?’’ checks Ryan.

‘’Then we git this prick dressed fur church. But make sure Louie kens ah want his best tailor tae fit him fur his suit. Ah’m gonnae pack a toothbrush cos ah’ve goat a sudden urge tae catch the premier ae Chelsea’s number yin show. Tell him they dinnae make a move until ah’ve gave thum the greenlight’’

He then turns and enters the livin room whilst ah make a hasty exit oot ae this dive.

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