As Farage as you can Throw Him

10 councils, 2 mayoralities and a parliamentary by-election does not the next Prime Minister make – but it does make one feel a bit queasy. In last year’s general election, Reform secured an un-nauseating 7% of Scottish votes but they, and regrettably Nige, are looking to improve on that baseline. Bad news, guys: Nigel Farage intends to cross the border more to, you know, hang out and grub for votes. Moreover, Reform has announced that it intends to stand in every Scottish constituency – a bit like putting a horse into every single race – it dramatically improves your odds and it’s possibly the first step towards a full-on incursion. 

Forgetting for a moment that Reform is a re-branded gaggle of BNP-types intent on restoring ‘our’ great nation(al union,) that elides that Britain only got ‘great’ by being spectacularly not great to people all over the world, for centuries. Also forgetting that Reform is very much the empty vessel that makes the most (odious) noise; Reform is the crotch-lice of contemporary politics and Farage its super-spreader. I worry Scotland risks becoming Farage’s Greenland – he feels entitled to it because he sees it as a feather in his cap. Not to get all neo-colonial on you but maybe even a conquest – he’s big into that bollocks.

Although Farage, like the tangerine toddler to whom he aspires, looks as though he bathes in Irn-Bru, rather than imbibes it, he is not ‘for Scotland’ in any way that might, in fact, benefit Scotland. In fact, his perma-tan serves as both a warning of his political proximity to someone else who makes me retch, as well as a reflection of how much actual graft he does (spoiler: not a great deal unless you count Cameos.) Apparently, Farage joined Cameo to, ‘connect with people from all over the world in a more personal way’ – but only if that connection comes with an inflation-busting £71.25 price tag.

While he’s whispering sweet nothings about how it’s best to blame ‘others’ for the troubles that we presently face – rather than years of conservative austerity, global events and other orange people, Scotland must remain stalwart in telling him to jog on, pal. Becoming more right-wing when you feel the right hasn’t been ‘right’ enough, is very much throwing good money after bad.

Scotland has a rather proud history of being, well, there’s not an easy way to say this but, difficult. The might of the Roman empire, a colonising force who brooked no shit, looked at Scotland and gave it a hard pass (plus an enduring wall.) The Romans are surprisingly relevant just now because Farage essentially lives his life as if attending one spectacularly inappropriate toga party. Scotland is good at saying no to ideas that are batshit/highly thought of South of the border. Strathkelvin and Bearsden MSP Rona Mackay did not hold back in relation to Reform’s covetous glances and asserted that ‘We’re not going to have anything to do with it. It’s not the way we want to go.’ Those of voting age who might lean towards independence would do well to remember that Farage has a big thing about the Union Jack – which may speak to how kindly he’d take to any democratic process to dissolve it.

Farage is the sort of ‘Brit’ whose only interest in the rest of the Union is entirely transactional. Got a war to fight? Taxes to raise? Natural resources to plunder? Oh, yes, I’m your pal. His current artful deal is trying to become legitimate political opposition and be seen in the ¼ of his beloved union he was allegedly too scared or perhaps couldn’t be arsed to visit. If it’s the latter,  maybe he really is a shitebag. If the bespoke shoe fits, Nige.

Perhaps we need to remember that Farage is about as English as it gets. I’m talking division-causing, colonialism-loving, said Andrew Tate (facing sexual offence charges in three countries – although admittedly a level of notoriety that Farage can only dream of) is an ‘important voice’ for men, English. 

It’s pig-headed to claim that Scotland either knows better or is above Reform’s right-wing turbo-charged conservatism – it doesn’t and it’s not. Reform is selling a familiarly funky brand of snake oil – tapping into feelings of being hard done by, clamour for a (largely fictional) past and spaffing division at a time when this is less than helpful. You could say, if one were being unkind, that this is a leaf straight out of the Trumptastic American Playbook and that party chair, Zia Yusuf is just another techbro looking to splash his cash for power/favourable conditions in which to conduct his business.

Reform have been a little, *mumble mumble,* vague about their actual policies and in an attempt to redress this distinct lack of political nous, have started shouting about things like reducing immigration (stop the boats,) cancelling diversity initiatives (promoting bigotry and division) and only flying the Union Jack (jittery jingoism writ large.) It’s almost as if the Reform press office just re-worded their ugly rhetoric and tried to pass it off as plausible, implementable policy in order to Make Britain Great Again. Maybe it’s their job that’s about to evaporate. Reform is describing problems – it’s not presenting answers. Unless you count wanging on about flags and imposing ‘patriotic (as in historically inaccurate) education.’

Before we’re all subjected to the obligatory shots of Nige grinning inanely while holding a pint of Vitamin T or coy confessions that he’s long enjoyed smearing Tunnock’s on his lower portions, we must remember that Scotland reserves the right to be progressive and inclusive.

Scotland must resist.