Ck-98lCWYAAkDB3.jpg-largeNot since Willy and Barnabas and Malcolm MacLaren embraced the waterways has so much fun been had as yesterday’s Brexit Flotilla holed the credibility of the EU referendum below the waterline. It was already listing badly having been called out as a coup this week and with Boris wrestling Salmond on Sky. This was the moment when everyone realised that Brexit is a project of Guy Debord and David Coburn is a Situationist inflatable.

As both sides sprayed each other with political spume someone called Rachel Johnson got caught in the crossfire and Nigel Farage strode across the poop-deck of his ship of fools and declared Geldof “horrible, disgusting”.


Like some comedy clod, Boris Johnson seems to manage to turn every hackneyed photo-opp into a disaster and yet roll-on as if no-one notices or expects anything better from their political leaders. He’s makes Ruth Davidson look like she has real gravitas.

But to more important matters. Blistering Barnacles! Somehow, inexplicably, in the media frenzy to evoke classic English maritime tropes in coverage of the flotilla, no-one managed to reference Captain Haddock, Nelson, Mutiny on the Bounty, nor, Haddock’s naval colleague Pugwash, so let’s put that right straight-away.

captain-pugwash-pic-pa-147180168“Dolloping doubloons!” these politicians are useless. “Coddling catfish!” that Bob Geldof is a pain in the arse isn’t he? “Kipper me capstans!” the sight of insurance millionaire Arron Banks and UKIP backer snacking on prawn sandwiches and sipping white wine with the music to The Great Escape in the background is enough to make you torpedo the lot. “Stuttering starfish!” the combined idiocy of Remain and Leave makes you want to scuttle Westminster and go and live in another less embarrassing country altogether.

The Brexit Pirates screamed: “We want our waters back!” So do I. I want Trident off the Clyde, I want back the Scottish coastline to be run for the benefit of coastal communities not the Crown Estate. I want our sea-lochs to not to be filled by fish-farms which destroy the eco-system and affect wild salmon with sea-lice and for us to be able to develop the true potential of tidal energy systems.

The Thames was filled with more lies and disinformation than you could imagine. Today Greenpeace accused Mr Farage of “cynical opportunism”, saying that as an MEP he had failed to vote on three major measures designed to fix flaws in the Common Fisheries Policy. In more than three years as a member of the European Parliament’s fisheries committee, Mr Farage turned up for just one of 42 meetings.

But who cares eh? This was politics as spectacle and the spectacle was farce. When the choice you are faced with is Geldof or Farage, Osborne or Redwood you know it’s time to abandon ship. Keelhaul the lot of them.

Where’s Tom the Cabin Boy when you need him?