Fun and Games at Brexmas

The season of pantomimes is upon us once again, and this promises to be a spectacular year. For not only will our traditional seasonal comedies take place in theatres across the land but a new production is planned: Brexmas, produced and written by the latest comedy team, the Barking Duds of May. It will of course be a farce, and one that is likely to run and run for years. The opening night is planned for the end of March in theatres everywhere throughout the UK. Rehearsals have been taking place for months at a secret location known only as ‘Chequers’, but some of the songs have been released to catch the Xmas market. Hear showstoppers ‘No Milk Today (the subsidy’s gone away) by The Two Nigels, ‘Arrivederci Roma (and Berlin, Paris, etc)’ by the Three Tenners, ‘Where did all the Money Go’ by the London Sympathy Orchestra, and many more smash hits.

Inspired by the name of their hide-out and, since Brexmas is not just for Xmas but a time for family fun throughout the year (or two or ten), the three-man production team, of Bo, Fo and Doh have spent hours devising new family games for anyone who gets bored watching endless daily re-runs of this boring farce.

Noughts and Crosses
Not exactly a new game, but this up-to-date format combines constitutional politics with foreign policy, and interestingly, there are no winners. One player plays as X, that little cross you place on your ballot paper, the spot which our military mark as the target for our latest drone strike and which now features in the latest buzz-word breXit. The other player is O, so named after a famous middle-eastern landmark formerly known as AleppO (All they’ve done is remove the Alepp bit). In the original form either player had to get three X’s or O’s in a row to win, but with the new format play goes on indefinitely, or until the paper or ammunition run out.

Trivial Pursuits
The popular quiz game but this time with thousands of questions and no answers.

Farage
This is a modern form of the old pub game called cribbage. Ironically it was a well-known frequenter of pubs called Nick who inspired the idea. The rules are exactly the same as the original format but interestingly if you win you get sweet FA or get to fly into a RAGE if a foreigner wins.

Three card Braggadocio (European version)
A three-card game for three people trying to outbid each other by boasting endlessly about the value of their hand. No-one is allowed to see what cards they hold, and each player is not even obliged to know what’s in their own hand. This is known as ‘going blind’. Going blind means you save money by only bidding half of the agreed stake, but that usually ends up being incredibly expensive since you don’t have a clue what’s going on. Sometimes called ‘Blind Mans Bluff’.

Deal or No Deal
The popular game known in Europe as ‘No Deal’.

Battleships
The old schoolboy game in which both players place their warships on a grid and then try to guess where their opponents are by calling out a letter and a number. Unfortunately this game is based on the current fleet of the Royal Navy, which means no destroyers and no cruisers, and no aircraft carriers until they’re finished (I think they are nearly ready), but at least in the meanwhile both players get two nuclear subs each. Unfortunately when a player guesses the location of one of his opponents subs the game is over – forever. You can add a few trawlers and Philip Green’s £65,000,000 yacht to make it more interesting

Monopoly
In the original form of the game players move around the game-board buying or trading London properties, developing their properties with houses and hotels, and collecting rent from their opponents, with the goal being to drive them all into bankruptcy leaving one monopolist in control of the entire economy. In this format it’s played with real money, everyone else ends up homeless and bankrupt, and no-one gets to pass GO or leave the country (unless they’re foreign).

Whist
The traditional card-game for four players in which each player is dealt thirteen cards. The object is to win more tricks than your opponents. There are many variations in the rules and normally there is a sequence of six hands, with hearts, clubs, diamonds and spades as Trump followed by two hands with No-Trump. The object in the first of these is to take as few tricks as possible and in the second to win as many as possible. In this version the American guy who owns the cards gets to choose what is Trump after he’s looked at his cards, which is why the No-Trump hands are much more popular.

Tags:

Comments (7)

Leave a Reply to piper Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Derek says:

    “The season of pantomimes is upon us once again”

    Oh no it isn’t!

    D.

  2. piper says:

    Nice one serious fantastic.Lets hope the home grasp do proper job, the next time we call on Scotlands people to not only demand financial freedom,but as the old man says freedom.

  3. Willie says:

    Yes we may jest about pantomime games but Westminster is no joke.

    Just read the report of the veteran labour MP Denis Skinner calling SNP MP Stewart McDonald a ” piece of shit ”

    In any other forum aggressive and offensive behaviour like this could have earned this old man a sore face or a police charge.

    And can you imagine the furore if someone called Theresa May a piece of shit. But hey, the English nationalists hate the Scots, and hate them with a vengeance.

    Much credit therefore to Stewart McDonald for not taking this on. An old man like Skinner is too old to fight. He’d probably take a heart attack.

    Mind you with the way things are going these days I don’t think it will be long until brawling breaks out in the Sewer of Westminster. Would show the place up for the world class toilet that it is.

    1. Swiss Toni says:

      Can you give me the names of 3 “English nationalists” who “hate the Scots”.

      Dennis Skinner might well hate Stewart McDonald but it is a logical fallacy to believe that therefore he hates all Scots.

      1. Alf Baird says:

        I suspect there may have been more than 3 “English nationalists” who voted to deny the Scots their own citizenship and nationality in 2014. Try 500,000+. You would be struggling to get any more anti-Scottish than those from another country denying the Scottish people their own citizenship and nationality. I accept this may not be hatred, however; merely British nationalism and hostility to Scottish self determination and de-colonisation.

      2. Chris Connolly says:

        I’ve met Dennis Skinner and for all his fine record as a socialist he is a foul-mouthed grouch. I expect he thinks 99% of his fellow MPs are pieces of shit too and has told them so many times. I don’t think the movement for Scottish independence nor Mr MacDonald should take his insult personally. A swift response mentioning Falkirk as a destination would be the best way to deal with it.

        It would be daft not to recognise the wider point, though. The dismissive attitude of the Southern ruling class toward Scotland is bad enough, but when the Labour Party representatives that English left wingers have such high hopes for behave in the same fashion it’s really maddening. If Labour hadn’t taken Scottish votes for granted for decades they wouldn’t have been replaced as the biggest party in Scotland and reduced to one solitary MP. They have obviously learned nowt from the experience.

  4. Richard Easson says:

    How about *Snap* as in election

Keep our Journalism Independent

We don’t take any advertising, we don’t hide behind a pay wall and we don’t keep harassing you for crowd-funding. We’re entirely dependent on our readers to support us.

Subscribe

Don’t miss a single article. Enter your email address to subscribe for free here and receive Bella direct to your inbox.

 
Bella Caledonia