The History of the Sausage Roll in Constitutional Politics
Those who have watched the Veganuary-inspired meltdown of Piers Morgan into a meaty testosterone-filled rage, or observed England’s finest yeomanry protesting at Gregg’s, may be ignorant to the longer-standing importance of hot pastry goods to Britain.
Sausage Roll Rage may seem like a new phenomena, but its origins are indeed ancient. Brexit, for so long associated with chlorinated chicken, hormone-treated beef, ractopamine pork, chicken litter as animal feed including the birds’ faeces (currently banned by Brussels bEUrucrats), or stockpiled Fray Bentos, was of course famously triggered by the Gammon demographic: puce middle-aged men who had cultivated as sense of entitlement fused with a bewildering set of imagined grievances who appeared with inexplicable regularity on the BBC’s flagship Question Time programmed armed only with a 1950s sense of race relations. Roll Britannia will come as no surprise to anyone but Sosmix-filled Millennial Snowflakes and Veggie Remoaners.
It was in this context that the Sausage Roll began to symbolise everything that was both Great About Britain and under relentless attack from the Immigrant Hordes. Years of political correctness had all but banished the simple British snack from school menus, replaced instead by the tasteless delicacies of the metropolitan elite. If Brexit means anything it’s a return to good old-fashioned British grub.
The precise moment take-away food and pork-based buffet items became totemic to the Great Nations politics is unclear.
Some have it that the origins go back to the United States of America, where so many of our “fast food” crazes emanate. They suggest that the origins of the importance of Food as Political Symbol comes from December 4 2016, when the Washington DC restaurant Comet Ping Pong came under attack by supporters of the Pizzagate theory that the emails of John Podesta, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager, contained coded messages referring to human trafficking and an alleged child sex ring.
Others suggest that the phenomena dates back only as far as 2017 when Gregg’s were forced to apologise for their nativity display in which the Baby Jesus was replaced by a pork-filled pastry product. At the time SKYNews explained: “The image has been deemed tasteless rather than tasty by pressure group the Freedom Association, with chief executive Simon Richards describing the image as “sick” and those behind it as “cowards”.
Richards tweeted: “Please boycott @GreggsOfficial to protest against its sick anti-Christian Advent Calendar.”
Still others – dubbed the tray bake revisionists – explain that the phenomenon can be traced to 2011, when the fast-food outlet at the centre of the political storm was not the redoubtable Greggs of recent infamy, but the altogether swankier Subway chain. Sharp-eyed readers and historians of the politics of take-away will recall that just after embracing Margaret Curran, Labour leader Iain Gray was to get stuck in a Glasgow Subway hemmed in by protests led by Sean Clerkin. The fracas would end Gray’s career, lead inexorably to the Scottish indyref of 2014, and arguably to the Brexit debacle.
Other cultural historians reject this thesis as fantasy, and instead point to the porcine nature of both the darkly comic Black Mirror Comedy-Meets Real Life tv drama based on allegations of Prime Minister David Cameron’s penchant for piggy, or the seminal moment when Ed Miliband’s inability to eat a bacon roll ended his own bid for Downing Street.
But Bella can exclusively reveal the true origins of Sausage Roll Rage go back not to Pizzagate or Greggs or the fevered imagination of Charlie Brooker, but to the wisdom of a young man named Ryan.
Ryan – dubbed Sausage Roll Boy – was the centrepiece of a Better Together advert in which he explained the essence of Britishness, the very core of the Union and single-handedly saved Dear Old Blighty from the Separatist Jocks back in 2014.
For those of you who may have forgotten Ryan’s pearls of pastry-flecked wisdom here he is again…
It’s time to take back a roll.